I'm Just PUFFY!

What I ate. How I worked it off. sorta.

2012-02-28T12:36:00.001-08:00


Mr. Munchberry built this spice rack into the wall.

Sometimes I wonder what people are eating. I put that in the same category as my desire to peep into uncurtained windows when I walk the dog at night. Hey, If you refuse to curtain yourself while you walk around in your bare nothings - don't get pissed if I gawk.

I will also include exercise.

And so, with that in mind and without further ado:

D1:
B: Coffee
S: 1/2 cantaloupe with cayenne
L: Turkey, cheese, onion, spinach wrap with grape tomatoes
S: Boiled egg
D: Pork Sirloin, collard green, onion with hot peppers stir fry and thick chinese noodles
S: Popcorn and 1 sq. chocolate
Walked to pool and back, had a swim

D2:
B: Coffee, easy over egg and toast
S: Cantaloupe and strawberries
L: Leftovers
S: PB2 on toast with tea and milk
D: Steak, roasted acorn squash, brussel sprouts, onion
Walked ruppypuppy, played with her at the park, hung sheet rock on ceiling with D - Surprisingly good arm workout

D3:
B: Coffee, Greek yogi, strawberries, honey, egg, toast
L: Progresso SW Veggie Soup, baked tortilla chips, avocado, onion, radishes
S: Cuke salad with onion and grape tomatoes, feta cheese
D: Steamed cod, mushrooms, onion, baby bok choy, baked brown rice

D4:
B: Coffee
L: Fruit salad (pineapple, strawberries, apple, cantaloupe, grapes, banana with yogurt and honey), grilled lofat cheese sandwich, grape tomatoes
S: Boiled egg, spinach and homemade sours chowchow
D: Blackened cod tacos with cabbage, cilantro and yogurt sauce
S: Pineapple, chocolate square
Worked in Yard, swim

D5:
B: Coffee, egg, toast
L: Ham, goat cheese, onion, spinach sammich
S: Bite pancake
S: Boiled egg
S: Apple
S: Piece of ham
D: Homemade pizza with onion, mushroom, anchovy, garlic and olives, 3 glasses of red wine.
Walked the trail, weights arms

D6:
B: Coffee
L: Broccoli, onion and goat cheese egg white omelet, toast
S: Pizza
D: Quinoa with chicken sausage, garbanzo beans, onion, olives, red pepper, carrots, zucchini, feta

D7:
B: Coffee
S: Banana
S: Broccoli
S: Roasted garbanzo beans with cumin and cayenne
L: Crackers, Feta, cuke salad
S: Tea with lemon cookie
D: Chicken breast topped with dijon and bread crumbs, broccoli
Did abs video, walked, ran up and down the stairs 10 + times. LOL

30 Days of Try Something New

2012-02-24T01:46:00.000-08:00

So I decided to maybe shake things up. Try new things. I already do some caricature drawing, and some rather amateurish "other" drawing, but I love to draw. I drew like a trillion Snoopy's when I was a child. Snoopy on his doghouse, sneaking around in the pumpkin patch, dancing. I loved Snoopy.

Anyhoo, a while back I decided I would try my hand at watercolors. 30 days. Why not. Harder than it looks folks - especially if you are a stickler about exactitude or staying within the lines or realism. I am some of those things. That is why I chose watercolors. That plus I had a play set I bought for my niece when she was here and she left it. Here is my Masterpiece so far. Not very flowy. I cannot let go.

Mooove over Matisse

I decided to read about it and try techniques and NOT do pictures. Or actual figures. Whatever the term is. Boring. Did I mention to you that I teach myself everything? Let me tell you that is inefficient. But I am a stubborn coot. So I went to the library, got all books that looked interesting (too many to name) and poured thru them. JUST as I was thinking I needed to take a step back and maybe master a bit more on the drawing side - maybe get shading a perspective under a little more control (I am very 13-14th centuryesque - all flat faced and with twisted expression) I was the recipient of a gift.

I walked out of the shower this morning and lo a box wrapped in plaid Christmas paper lay on my side of our unmade bed. Glee! How can one properly dress when there is a gift waiting? I slung on my Hanes Her Ways (flowered), strapped down the floppy bits and ran directly to the package all while hooting out for my husband who has never given me a gift for no reason. He arrives, brandishes the mini Swiss Army knife I had just given him days before for nail emergencies and with the mighty blade he slashed at the tape on the cardboard. Inside was an artist's set of watercolors that travels. Meaning I can take it out in... the field. It has an easel and a box beneath with the paint, a palette, pencil, brushes... Sweet eh? Totally sweet. I am so gonna watercolor now.

Maybe a Snoopy. On his doghouse.

Eat What You Crave

2012-02-22T04:54:00.001-08:00

...Or eat the house out. Those are my two options sometimes. What am I talking about? You mean you don't do this? Sigh.

Sometimes I have it in ~~my head~~ ~~my heart~~ ~~my stomach~~ - inside me this feeling that I have to eat something in particular. It is almost always something carbie. I need it. And for a long time in life (always while "dieting") it would be on my "no go - evil" list so I would just not eat that. Simple right? WRONG. I end up eating the damn house out. I eat every other thing I can get ahold of that is on my "good" list hoping to hit on the one thing that will take away the burning desire for - say...chocolate or a piece of french toast. You know what though? Eating a piece of fruit does not cut it! Yes, it is sweet, but it is not the same. Plus, I end up eating way more calories than I would have if I had just had a very small portion of the thing I coveted. Plus I will have cravings for something or other my whole life. I do not want to be having to chase them down.

So what am I doing now that works for me: I simply eat it. A small piece or portion. If it is cooked, I cook it in my normal low fat/calorie way of cooking for life. I count the calories for it, nix the feelings of guilt over it and THEN (and this is the key) stay within my allotted calories. I have to do all three things for it to work. I mostly hit all three. Sometimes I go over calorie wise - especially if the thing I eat is later in the evening, but I mostly abide by my standards of food conduct ~snicker. If I don't, I either don't lose or I make up for it the following day or later in the week - somewhere. If the craving becomes severe (like I was fixated on dried apricots for a while) I tell myself "no more" because I was unable to control myself (I violated my code of conduct one too many times) and I put the apricots (not me) in the penalty box. They stay in the penalty box until I feel they can get back in the pantry and stop jeering me as I pass by. So far so good. Cereal is still in the penalty box.

Alterations 101

2012-02-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

Bert in her jacket.

Today it rained and so my power walk with Mistress Zoebert was cut short. Just as well because she was cranky and distracted and nearly sent me ass over elbows a few times. When I got home I realized I might be in trouble because no sooner did I get my shoes off I made for the fridge, opened it and stood there with my mouth open. No I did not need water. I WANTED food. It has been that sort of day. I woke to my stomach growling. Very realistic, panther on the porch wanting in growls. I had a coffee and a little sandwich of ham with cheese (hot). After my walk I ate this. Freaking delicious. I was supposed to put it in the freezer, but it never made it there. DRATS! But then there I was still feeling peckish. One slab of pineapple, 1/4 apple and a 1/2 c left over steamed broccoli I put the brakes on it and decided on distraction level II (DLII). What is DLII? It is distraction involving something that will not only absorb me, but will get me focused on my weight loss and get me far enough from the fridge so that I can't just swing by and do a dance in front of it if the mood hits. AND it has to be indoors because the weather is crap. Hello Winter PNW. I could do a DL1.5 - but that involves leaving the house and potentially spending money - and since we are planning a gas hog trip coming up very soon - DL1.5 was out).

So I went downstairs and sorted through a giant pile of too big clothing, boxed up some and took others into the sewing room to see if I could teach myself to alter my own clothing. Why not right? I have piles of too big clothing. SOME of which are pretty cute and I am sad to see them get relegated to the adios pile. Some I do not really care about, but wouldn't it be a trick if I could learn to alter a jacket. I should have mentioned that I suck the royal one when it comes to sewing. I love to do it, but my GOD.

So that is where I spent the better part of my day. Down in DLII. Now I have to cook dinner and if I am still roaming around the kitchen afterwards I am marching right back down to that sewing room. I have an idea for a project. Might as well get it going.

Oh - and the jacket turned out pretty good... as long as you do not examine it. I also did a skirt. Not so lovely. A little pokey at the hip and I had to remove and replace the zipper which almost caused me to run upstairs and grab a glass of wine. I also found a pair of cords that I put on the trash heap that I managed to repair. So woodeehoo - I now have 2 pairs of brown cords! When I was a young girl I wanted to wear Levi cords like my brother and sister but my mom would not let me because I was too fat (in her eyes). Ditto that for Dittos - called attention to my 10 YO fat ass. Crazy bitch. But now here I am over 200 looking pretty damn snappy in my cords. Mom would not be amused.

What do you do for distraction? Read my blog??? Snickeroo. That is DLI for me.

Obese to Overweight

2012-02-17T16:32:00.000-08:00

I had a way bigger middle when I started. WAY!

Some benchmarks and milestones are more meaningful than others. This week I have crossed over to one that in the beginning of this little thing I embarked on was maybe not so high on the list, but 9 or so months later -after lots of help and thinking and ruminating, it has become my number one priority. The overarching one. I have moved from a BMI number categorized as obese class 1 (I started out as a class III - morbid obesity) to overweight. I do not put a pile of stock into BMI, it is ONE measure - one tool. But I value the statistics behind the number, behind what each and every pound lost means to my health. That is decreasing chance of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, certain cancers...

Another thing I look at is my waist circumference. 35 inches and lower signals a lower risk of the above ugly things. That, I am still working on. You measure just above your hips (like your lower waist) after you exhale. Sigh. Middle age thickening of my waist = 37 inches. Upper waist is 35, but that is cheating. I adore cheating, but this year is about being honest with myself about my health and so that had to go. The terrific news is that since April (a month before I started blogging) I believe I have lost close to a foot off my waist. A FOOT. And with that foot went most of my weazing (we will retest this come Spring) and pretty much all of my GERD. I can breathe easier and my food does not get stuck in my esophagus anymore. I cannot tell you how that pleases me, but more important is that it may save my life. May. Fingers crossed. I let it go on a long time.

I can't tell you why it has taken me all these years to face the facts or to find it within myself to care enough about me to make these changes. Where in almost a year now this stopped being about getting to 168 so much but more about wanting a healthy body. Where the light went off that it was not a diet per se, but something I would be doing forever and that I was OK with that. Not resigned or mournful, but feeling pretty whippy with myself.

I just feel so good. I thank you my bloggy friends for helping me figure these things out, for your continued support and good cheer and every once in a while for laying the truth out for me when I was unable to do it for myself. I guess you could say - in certain respects - blogging saved my life. I am not sure I would be in the same mentally healthy place without you.

Onward to normal weight BMI. So glad you are coming along with me.

Hugs.

*Hey I just read you are supposed to measure higher on the waist. Does anyone know where you are really supposed to measure your waist? Sheesh.

When Weight Loss Hurts The One You Love

2012-02-15T07:38:00.015-08:00

My adorable sister at one-ish.

Tonight I was chatting with my sister. I was just about to tell her that I have lost a pile of weight (No, I still have not told her) when she convinced me not to. (More on my sister: Story #1 , Family)

Why and how?

Because she is fragile. I think she has enjoyed my being fat. It is the one thing she feels that she has over me. No, I am not being shitty. It makes her feel good that she has held the line on her weight and I have not. Occasionally she will tell me that she has put on weight and then will say, "but look who I am talking to, you know how it is." True. I do. She is talking 2 or 3 pounds - which is monumental to her. Occasionally she will lie to me and tell me she has gained 50 pounds. It used to freak me out, but then I called her boyfriend and asked and he not only told me she had not gained, but was so thin that it was frightening him. I guess she was trying to keep me from talking weight with her boyfriend or trying to divert me somehow? I am unsure. Maybe she FEELS like it is fifty and then builds a lie around it like "I went to the doctors and she weighed me and I am up 50 pounds since my last visit!" She said this to me during our conversation tonight. I knew there must be trouble, but I told myself that I am not her damn keeper, not her boss, not anyone who has any business telling any other human what to do with their fat (or lack of it). If I called her bluff she might never call me again. She sometimes stops calling if I get too questiony. If I even hint at my knowing that something is afoot with her weight she lashes out. So we play the lying game. I do not tell her I have lost and she does not reveal that she is also also lost.

I feel like if I told her that I was 80 pounds thinner, she might just quit eating. Seriously. And I am not at all sure she would talk to me anymore or could find it within her to be nice. I think our relationship works best when I am fat and she is thin. A weird thing to hand wring over, but here I am.

I was supposed to go out and see her this summer, but I don't think I am going to. I need to tell her before I go to see her and now is not the time. The time will be when she stops telling me she has gained 50 pounds. When she tells me that she is going to the gym and has great muscles and is looking good. Those times happen and I feel that if I wait to tell her then she might be more mentally prepared for dealing with it. My sister is only one of a handful of people I truly love in this world. I do not want to be a source of pain for her.

I know I sound like a fruitcake, but such is my life. Anyone else have trouble telling someone that they have lost weight? Why? I know everyone has had trouble telling people they have gained! I used to hide in the back row of pictures (because I was tall!). Now I hide in the back for some pictures so if my sister decides she wants a picture, I have some.

What To Expect As You Lose & Other Observations

2012-02-12T22:36:00.000-08:00

Instead of burdening you with my troubles today (I thought you could use a break) I thought I might discuss a few mysterious things that happen as you start and continue to lose a significant amount of weight.

Just to bring you to speed, I have lost about 85 pounds (295ish to 210) over about 9.5 months. Slow and steadyish. I used to think that I ate healthily because I ate MOSTLY - as in volume wise - healthy things. Mostly veggies, some fruit, a variety of lean meats and fish. But. There is a but (very funny, eyes and mind back on the post) - I also ate LOTS of fat. LOTS of bread. Lots of LOTS. Too much of a good thing and too much of things that would have eventually led to the untimely death of Munchberry. I thought that since I did not eat processed food or fast food or junk food that I was essentially eating healthy. The mystery to me (because I was in denial) was how I maintained my ample figure. Then a light bulb went off one day and I decided I was tired of feeling like shit, tired of being tired, tired of feeling ill after gorging, tired of keeping up this front- I was fat and there was nothing to do but embrace it. Tired of giving up on myself. Tired. I knew I could not diet. In fact that is what kept me fat. I knew I just had to start eating and thinking (as Kara would say) like a thin person - although she does it far better than I. I am still working out the details.

So I changed my diet. I cut out most fat. VERY little butter, some olive oil, natural oil contained in food (like in cheese, olives, meat...). I do not do well with a pre-plan (I rebel against it), so I do not do that, but I do allow myself a range of calories and I account for them. I have done this basically every day and will continue to for the rest of my foreseeable days because I enjoy it and it keeps me honest (I am a big liar to myself). What happens when you go from a full fat eating life to a very low fat eating life? For me and my body, my bowels decided they could not flow anymore without the oil to grease the skids. Seriously bad constipation. It was so troublesome that it made me feel ill and I thought I would have to go to the hospital. I shocked my system. I used to be the diarrhea queen. I knew where every bathroom in town was and I was always going because I ate lots of food. I just thought I was a person who would always have diarrhea. I had not considered it was all the fat. I thought it was spinach and cilantro. No lie. Don't ask me to explain why. So when all of a sudden I could not go even after taking various laxatives, it was scary. I thought - this is bullshit I need to go back to eating my old way. But through the help of supportive and sometimes militant friends here and in corporeal life I kept to my plan for living. Eventually, with the relief brought to you by Fleet, I was able to break the log jam. I had to resort to Fleet a few times. Baseballs in the colon do not pass. Eventually though your body gets the picture that this is how it is gonna be and it better damn well get the hang of things. It mostly does. I no longer need Fleet, but it still does not want to move rapidly thru. I think it is all the fiber from veggies. They get all balled up in there and then they get all the liquid sucked from them when they don't move. Then they get comfy where they are and... well... Fleet please. So message is: Constipation may happen, but you stick to the knitting and your body will bend to your will. Moving helps. So does water.

Goopy squishy frighteningly droopy skin and fleshy bits - This WILL happen to you unless you are very young. It just will. When you lose fat (especially early on when the weight loss is more rapid) there will be less of you for your skin to cover. The fat sort of feels softer and looser under your skin and your skin is all stretched and flaccid. Yum eh? It may freak you out. It did me. I still squish it and fondle it and waggle it in my hands - sometimes unconsciously like when I am standing in line at the grocery store or Walmart. Don't let that happen to you. It freaks people out and they think you are a perv. I digress. OK how about directly to the highlight: Your skin will shrink back in some and go back to clinging to your existing fat and feel tighter. Perfectly tighter? No. But eventually you will get sick of the remaining squish and do something about it. What? Exercise. Build some muscle for the skin to mold around. Maybe at your goal weight you will still be squishy, but you have the rest of your longer, sweeter life to work that out. You can exercise more easily and if it pains you terribly and you can swing it, you can get it removed or propped up. It is your damn body. One you have worked for and cared for. But back to the process. I notice that when I lose weight in an area (say my belly) it is gooshy and nasty, then it gets better over time, then I lose weight there again and it is back to gooshy

What else?
In the beginning nobody will notice you are losing. You will because your clothes will be loose and then fall off - mostly due to your jumping up and down with excitement over your clothes being loose!
You will notice things like one day you can cross your legs. You can now tie your shoes without your stomach fat pressing the air out of your lungs as you bend over your legs to tie. Your knee bones clank together in bed - no more knee pads. You stop getting a rash between your legs from rubbing. You can paint your toe nails and your legs are easily shaveable and you won't likely miss the spot up near your ass anymore.

Getting used to eating well (for real well, not make believe well). You will want to go back to your old ways. Better get an internal script going now so when it comes up so very unexpectedly and smacks you over the head like a cast iron skillet you will have tools to deal with it. Have your go to foods ready to go so there is no excuse to retreat. Congratulate yourself every day as you put your head to the pillow that you ate well for yourself that day. Think about how good you feel (mentally and physically). I am still figuring out what food works for me, what makes me want to eat tons more of it and what I can have as a treat (like a chocolate square) that won't upset my applecart. Sometimes I have to even set healthy things aside because I fixate on them (cereal, dried apricots). I will try them again later, but will not suffer through being distracted by them anymore.

What is different this time? Well, I do not dream about what life will be like when I am 168. I do not starve or set unreasonable goals or punish myself when I eat off plan. I just move on. Easier said than done and it might take lots of practice and will. Lots of love and patience with yourself. I do not say "199 by such and such a date or else...". I control my eating life. I make decisions for myself. I dictate how others will relate to me where food is involved. It is MY life. That took some getting used to. I preferred being the victim. Now it is all me. Sometimes you may be mean to well meaning people... mean to saboteurs. You may have to lay down new laws. But it is your health, your happiness. It has to be. I eat now essentially how I will eat forever. I never have ever thought that way before when losing weight. It was always ever more severe restriction, anguish, berating, obsession. How long can you keep that shit up?

You are going to be obsessed with yourself. It will probably feel uncomfortable. Sometimes really uncomfortable. But you have to shut off the voice that tries to get you to ignore yourself. This is a major revamp project that requires your attention. More than other trivialities. People who love you will get over it because they want you around for a while. If they don't get over it, you need to, in a calm moment, assess where that is going, what you can do if anything to ease them into the new you then go have a talk with them. It is your job to get them on board. They may not want to stay. That is not a poor reflection on you. Think about it as if you were advising a friend. Sometimes your needs change, you move on. I lost a friend when I started losing weight. I miss her, but healthy me was not for her. She did us a favor. She was making snide remarks and trying to get me to go back to my old ways. I resented her for that and told her so. See where that was going? An impasse. Life happens.

Eventually people will start noticing a smaller you. People to whom you were hitherto invisible. At some point you go from being double chinned and rolly you (because you are still those things for a long time, just less fluffy) to not being those things so much. I am just to the point 85 freaking pounds later!!! that people are noticing me. Better come up with a way to deal with them and the weird emotional thing you will go through when it happens. I feel anger, resentment, excitement, bewilderment, scared, disturbed, put out... some days it puts me in the mind to eat. But that is for my next installment. Yeah, I think there will be another installment.

Anyone else have things that are helpful to know as folks lose weight? Something nobody talks about, but would be good to know? Some little tips and tricks you are using to keep the weight off year over year perhaps?

Gobble Gobble Gobble!

2012-02-09T06:58:00.000-08:00

Slurpygobblegobblegobblesluuuurp!

I am a big, fluffy, strutting turkey!

Why do I say such things? because I have suddenly found myself once again for SOME reason - -sigh - -gobbling down my food again. Stuffing GIANT spoonful after giant spoonful of piles of food into my mouth as fast as I possibly can. I look down two minutes after sitting and the whole damn plate of food is gone.

I realized I had the problem once again when Mr. Munchberry caught me stabbing into a spinach salad and had gotten nearly 1/4 of my salad piled up on my fork and was in the process of trying to get my mouth wide enough to accommodate the giant plow of food. He looked over after asking me a question (as usual - he likes to catch me just as I am trying to snarf down food and then gets friendly and chatty). He stared at me. I literally and figuratively had egg all over my face. Argh. That was about a week ago. I have tried - sorta to temper it. I slowed it down. I pulled food off my fork. I forced myself to drop the fork between chews and to chew at the pace of "Slow down, ya move to fast..." If I caught shoveling, I put myself into the penalty box - no food for one minute oinkette! But seriously - I am ALWAYS in the damn penalty box.

Any ideas on what is causing that? I am eating well. I am not waiting until I am overly hungry. I put on slow background music. I often get that feeling I had a LOT early on where I felt the need for satiety. But, I have low stress. I am not feeling overly emotional. Baffling.

Last night I decided to eat dinner with chopsticks. No rice so I could not scoop. I ate it piece by piece. But GOLL I am a fast chopsticker. I can cram a pile of little broccoli florets in my pie hole - ya know - faster than I can chew and gulp. I looked like I had the mumps within a few minutes of eating. When I put only a tiny amount on my fork it sort of upsets me emotionally. I know I sound like a raver, but seriously, I have Googled this trying to find the answer to WHY I am doing it.

I will take stories, ideas of why (PLEASE) I may be doing it AGAIN and any ideas on slowing me down and not feeling stressed by the slowing.

Sincerely,

Workout? No. Enjoying Some Oxygen! Plus An ASS Story.

2012-02-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

I am trying not to jinx myself. As soon as I say I am working out I instantly do not feel in the mood to pursue it anymore. So I shall say I occasionally sneak in some extra oxygen - and sometimes I elect not to, but I bore of sitting around whiling away the hours so I am forced to take in more oxygen from time to time. Lord. Yes. That is what I say to myself. Otherwise I talk myself out of it.

Take my swimming. I have been loitering in the pool lately (broken up by times where I am moving my legs and arms and breathing heavy). But then someone said innocently "Hey, I see you have been coming lately. What is your name and will we be seeing you here now?" UM. What the hell is it to you? I may or may not come and now that you have pressed me on this... I am not coming. I think but do not say. What I DO say is "My name is Munchberry. I may." I feel the same way about blogging by the way. Fear of commitment. "Are you going to continue to blog?" me: "Um. Maybe." Just don't hound me! Don't bother me!! Don't insist or hooray over it!!!

In other words: Ignore the girl behind the curtain! I am faking it until I make it.

Grrr. I said "IGNORE", not "REVEAL"! Swine!

I want to go play tennis. BUT I do not want my husband hounding me to go play. I want to walk, but will people stop asking to set a date with them to walk? The answer is a big fat no. OK the answer is really a "Maybe" and then me abandoning doing it.

Maybe that is why I hardly ever mention exercise here. I feel like I say I am doing it then there is some sort of expectation. That bugs me for some reason.

So (confidentially - between you and me - and you must forget it after you read this) I have been exercising. I have pulled out my secret weapon. I told Mr. Munchberry NO exercising with any sort of regularity until I felt like I was not losing weight from changing up my diet. That was not really the reason why I began exercising - a lotish. A lot for sedentary, oafish loafish me. It was because suddenly I felt like it. Tomorrow I may not feel it. I leave the option open. I have NO schedule, yet I almost had a moment of despair today when I spied the sign at the pool notifying swimmers that the pool will be closed all summer. I almost turned around and left. Really. I thought "Oh why bother getting all into this if they are going to break my routine." Enjoy the irony and hypocrisy for a while if you'd like.

Why swimming? Well, I thought I could do it without thinking and I could jump right into it. No. My lungs are still on fire. I gasp embarrassingly in fact. Sometimes I stop after 20 minutes or so and go swim in the shallow end and act like a dolphin or do handstands underwater. Yep. Sigh. Sometimes I spend a long time warming up or doing the side stroke like I am pretending to save someone (like myself perhaps). Not because I NEED to.

Yet, I continue to go. And I walk. A few miles per day most days - if I feel like it. Sometimes I go a block here and there in lunges. Kicks my ASS (OH! I will have to tell you today's ass story - like I have so many that I need to distinguish this one by the 'Today" designation). I may play tennis. MAY. I have not been doing weights. Not sure why. I think it is because I do not want to go to the workout room. And no tapes. I think it has been too pretty to be doing indoor things... except swimming.

Ass Story: 2 guys drove by me tonight as I was walking my dog and slowed down and said "You have one fiiiiinnnne ass" and I checked - it was not the guy from the grocery who said he loves him a big woman. AND I am pretty sure they were not screwing with me. What could I say but "Thank you"? Really. Anyone know what to say beyond that? What is reasonable and customary in this day and age at my age? I wonder what he would think if he knew I weighed 211 pounds. Maybe I should not let my mind go there.

Way to bury the lead there Munchberry.

Oh yeah... Woot NY Giants and MVP Squeal-i Manning!

Pant Size Distortion

2012-02-01T02:12:00.000-08:00

So the other day I went with my friend Chewy to Goodwill. Chewy is my one friend who NEVER EVER sez boo about my weight. Fat or thin - 80 pounds gone... nothing, all the times I have lost some and then gained it all back plus some - NOTHING. A blessing. So here we were out at Goodwill and I am very excited (even though it is Goodwill) to be shopping in the regular sizes. Yep. Regular. Even though I did peak at the pluses and found a few things I liked and was sort of pissed that those sorts of things were never around when I was looking for real. And I KNOW that I technically should be living for the moment and going out and buying some nice new jeans to celebrate what is clearly a celebratory moment, but I am a practical girl much more than a self celebratory one. So off to Goodwill for interim pants.

I started at 16. I thought I was probably that. I picked a pair and held them up and Chewy (over in the 6's) said "Nope". I was sort of pissed. But she was "Nope"ing because they were too big. She knew I wanted fitted. She picked out a pair and I was like "Um, for you maybe, you like 'em big. Go try them on". She shoved them into my arms and demanded I go try them. I whined (naturally). I am not used to trying on, I just buy and if at home it zips, it stays hence this:

I hate orange, yet I have 3 orange tops

So I tried them on. And they fit. Size 12. I screamed. Everyone except the crack addict was excited for me. That led to a massive Goodwill spree. 6 Pants (one being a winter white pair of cute medium wale cords), sizes ranging from 14-12. All but one pair of chinos fit well. The chinos are close so I kept them. And I got a slutty top.

OK It does not look slutty on the hanger, but it is on me because it is form fitting and leaves very little to the imagination. I laughed when I put it on and got a load of myself in the mirror. But I am keeping it and will wear it indoors in front of Mr. Munchberry because HE loves it. Indoor hot wife is one step closer to being an outed hot wife.

Another bit of excitement which I had intended to write about, but it got away from me was that I went bra shopping (I think I mentioned it). JC Penney. I could not find my preferred bra that they sell on line (Glamorise) but I did get a nice Vanity Fair that has the soft molded cups to hide my wonky Marty Feldman tendencies and promise to defy my age. I would have preferred it promised to defy gravity and my parental units, but I am rather easily pleased these days. I grew weary trying on all the options (even though I should technically be thrilled because this is the first time I have been able to try on a bra before buying it in YEARS!). PLUS I had to look at myself in the mirrors under fluorescent lights and let me tell you, that could in a lesser girl, cause a binge (in food and drink). I am carrying around 2 carpet bags under my eyes. I DO look mad. My thighs... But - erase that - because I was in the store trying on clothes that fit me, were regular sized and I was extremely giddy over that. Well, that is what the cashier lady said. She had never seen someone my age so thrilled to be buying a bra. Jaded. That is what she was. I still liked her.

OK, that is all.

What?

You want a picture? OK fine! Demanding crowd. Ignore any lumps (ahem). I did not pose and I just got done walking 3 miles with an unruly mutt in my comfy new to me jeans. I am full of muffin top and excuses.

213.8 lbs, 5'10', size 14 Levis

Not sure about the turtleneck. I am trying things out. Boobs still too big for that sort of audacity.

Pictures, NSV and a Link

2012-01-30T04:44:00.000-08:00

First things first. My prime NSV in pictures. I wanted to lose enough weight to get my wedding ring back on my darn finger. Years of looking like a single girl out with a man cheating on his wife. NO MORE! 214 pounds and the rings slipped right on, like they had never left. Big day for me in front of the Bank of America (they had been sitting there waiting for me).

2 old hands. Wear your sunscreen!

Here below I am wearing OK not the cutest skirt, but I have had it in my closet for several years never worn. Why? Yep. Too fat. Size 14 regular. I tried it on about 4 months ago and I got it on but it looked like a sausage casing on me. I think by summer it will be too big, so I decided to wear it. I weighed about 215.

OK I have no real diet reason to post the picture below. Except - OK still cannot come up with anything. Those are reindeer antlers. She does not like them and cops the face in order to get me to give her sympathy pets and treats. It ALWAYS works. She is a clever Dumbass. See that face? Mwahh!

And finally I want to leave you with this post by another blogger Michele over at Ruminations and Uncovering. Her posts are a gift and she often writes about things that make me want to be all I can be. I know. Wow. Because I am hard to budge off the "Meh, I am OK as is" position. WELDED in place. But, well go read her for yourself. You can start here. At the end especially. I thought of you Teresa. I hope your headache is easing up.

Have you ever noticed we weight loss/maintenance/fitness bloggies are totally pretty inside and out? Like... totally. LOL See you later Gators!

About My MIND!!! BWAHAHAHAR!!!!!!

2012-01-27T00:01:00.000-08:00

Seems fittin'. LOL

I have seen a few bloggers lately who have written about their behind the scenes. Why they write, what they write, who they read and why, their blogcentricities. I thought I might indulge, but since there is no rhyme or reason or logical path to this blogs inner workings I thought I might tell you something tangential, but I think one of the MAIN reasons why I continue to blog. Because lots of times it annoys me to do it.

Main Reason: I have an odd attachment to those who read my blog. I think of the people who comment here on my blog AND about the handful of other blogs that I read - those people - I think about them a lot and it pleases me. Nothing too serious, but like you might think of a friend, but weird because - hello, it is not like we do sleepovers or go share bagels and coffee!. It happens a LOT when I am perusing book selections. I saw a copy of Watership Down at Goodwill the other day and thought of Vickie. I also think of her when I eat soup or when I look up a definition of something in the dictionary. It makes me chuckle when she comes to mind at these times. I thought of Lisa (life of lisa) there at Goodwill too. Romance section. My friend did not see the curb in the snow and fell hard onto the street. As the day wore on and we watched her ankle swell I informed her that what she had there was a cankle! Which brings me to M at Goodnuff. I always think of M at Goodnuff. I now say her word confliction except I misuse it. When there is an error in the storyline in a book I am reading (it happens and it annoys me) it is now called a confliction. Today my doctor was telling me about her ablation and yep... Goodnuff. Whenever I see a commercial for suing someone for a mesh implant - Goodnuff. That makes me laugh. I wonder if she would find that so funny. I saw a set of cards that had these figures of women on them and they reminded me of Didi at Bits of String and Sealing Wax. I wondered which Woman she bought for her dad and whether he liked it. (Minds out of gutter people). Almost every time I see a flirty dress with short sleeves I think of her. And again at Goodwill there was a mindbogglingly large set of Jane Fonda VCR tapes... Or when I see Rit dye. All so so Didi. The woman has character to spare.

When I do a pun, chew a piece of gun I would not normally chew, eye the bagels at Costco or watch any USC game... red haired dames - Karen @ Waisting Time. Bicycles, hand warmers or apothocary chests... Ellen. I was shopping for a gift the other day and lo a key charm with a spirit drum. I wondered what Teresa was doing to out herself to her real world as the terrific girl she is. Teresa wanders into my mind when I am cooking... whenever my mind is free to wander. When I swim I wonder how Kara is doing with her swim practice and if she is getting to them. Will she be held up at work? Today I was walking into J C Penneys to buy a bra (smaller 42 DD thank you very very much) and I had to check my zipper to see if I did it up after visiting the gyno... Karen. And it was up. I thought it may not have been because an old guy exiting the store looked at my crotch. Turns out he was just a crotch freak. And NO I did not sport a camel toe. Later I got a freaking oil stain on my shirt... Kara. CRIPES! And for those of you who read Kara and Karen - ever notice how blithely they treat the capricious nature of the human condition? I am not sure blithe is the word I want. They roll with the punches. Happy warriors. I saw that KCLA Karen had commented on KLA's site. I thought "Ah there is harmony". I am a weirdo. When there is a tornado in Alabama I worry about Jillian. I check her blog to see if she posted. I did not want to be a hen and ask, but I did check. Fareak. Every time EVERY time I see some outrageous dieting claim or a commercial designed to lure people into eating - Jane. Cookies as a dieting tool? Jane would say no. Trolls, Roz. Kale chips Roz. White cats that cross my path - Neva... Roz's cat. Weight lifting... Sable. Nice lady in my gyno's office - Sable. Giant plastic containers of protien at Costco - Sable. I think of Sable pretty much each time I do weights. Mostly I wonder if I can get my legs looking decent and get grumbly thinking of the work it took her to get hers looking so good. Grrruff!

And finally the event that made me think to do this cockamamie post:

ridiculous, pointless, or nonsensical: full of wild schemes and cockamamie ideas.

OK this is sort of weird, but it amuses me. There was a woman who was at the bus stop near the library I go to. I was walking my dog by and she called out to pet her. So we are talking and I see she has a brown bag with her last and first name on it. I said - "just get out of jail?" And she looked at me strangely or maybe pissed - I could not tell - and said that yes, she had. She just took the bus from there. If I had my camera I would have asked her if I could pose with her bag. So very April of me. I also thought of April today when I was dying in my muffin producing jeans. I just kept thinking "I GODDA get home and get these freaking jeans off". Sigh OK I just went over to her blog to link to that post and cannot find it. I now wonder if I have imagined it. Does anyone know. Wrong person because I don't think so. I see her face. FAHHH! But while I was searching I saw a post where she said she got a cyst removed from her ovary that was the size of a football. I won't be able to sleep tonight April. Thank you for that.

You get the picture. But more importantly than the random nature of my brain and the emptiness that allows for such shifting sands of thought is that I think of these women and many others when I need to dig deep, remember their nuggets of wisdom or support (or both). They are there. I appreciate that muchly.

What else can I tell you? How about what else I do. I always tell you about the mundane stuff since that is mostly what makes up my day. I get up, I read blogs, I eat, I try to convince myself to exercise, I give myself the middle finger and eat something else to show myself who is boss and then I go work out then I do some crafty thing or some other whatnots. I have taken the initiative to put up another page on the blog. It replaces the tickler file that proved a useless tool since I am immune to all things tickle that do not involve feathers or fingers. This page will be called "Other stuff I am doing" I know - the title blew me away too! In it I will sorta update you on what else I am doing crafty or musicy or whatnoty.
OK so that's it. And it took me a long freaking time to type. Blogarg!

Exercise Bargaining

2012-01-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

Anyone do this?

I look in the mirror as I am changing into the day's clothing. I catch a glimpse of my waggly arms or the weird bowl of flesh tinted jello pooling in the front of my thighs or the ever present FUPA (yes, 80 pounds gone and the Effer it is STILL there) and I am struck... It is a sign! I exchange my jeans and sweater for my lovely spandex jobbies and the sweater for my swiss cheese of a Miami Heat tee, make a beeline for my tennies and march straight down to the elliptical before I change my mind or get distracted by food (kitchen is on the way to the elliptical).

I immediately start the bargaining process. I tell myself that at least I am down there and if I do not want to do the full forty minutes preset on the machine I do not have to. The appeasement works because I seem fine with things. Then I get thru the warm up and I say "you get to 4000 steps by the end of this CD (I usually do Guns and Roses) and you can hop right off this thing" OK fine. I get to 4000 by the end of the CD but there on the machine is only like 12 minutes left. So I say "I think I will walk at a casual pace to cool down because that is not real exercise, it is more like dessert or a gift after accomplishment". Five minutes pass and I think "I am getting right off this thing in one minute. I am a time rebel!" Then the minute passes but - "Ohhhh I want to finish this little hill (I am fat burning). I do not like to leave mid hill". Time expired and real cool down commences. THEN I hop off. I have better things to do. Harumph.

Re Examining Re Jiggering Re Dickulous

2012-01-22T11:53:00.000-08:00

LOL ! I am easily amused.

I came to the conclusion that I need to tighten things up on the Goodship Munchberry. How did I determine that? My expert examination of the evidence! I am wearing the same size pants as I have been for a month now. I feel complacent, I often give in to the call of wine and raisin bread gifts, I call a lot of things exercise that are merely life actions and... I have lost 2 pounds so far this month. Ahem.

I wanted to call it a plateau, but C'MON! Slap. Ouch! OK, much better. It was a plateau, but not because my body refused to lose or because the pharmaceuticals in Mirena were making me hold water or because of extra muscle weight (Yep. I said that to myself twice). It is because I have grown slack. I still count every last calorie (totally sucked when I visited Pigville or my old friend Doinysus), but almost every day was over my budget - sometimes several hundred. Maybe I needed a mini break. OK break over. Nobody earned anything by not working and ignoring the books!

So what now? I am not going to tell myself that I will change my nature and get on an exercise regime. I rebel against that. I do not even like ME telling me what to do. But I do know no day will pass without my breathing hard (and I will not include sex as I was trying to do before! Yes, I am that girl - even when I just laid there filing my nails I counted it as exercise!! Yes, I am occasionally that girl too. Complacent in all areas thank you! Exclamation!!)

Calories back at 1500. I like and can live on that and know approximately how much I can eat and what I can eat during the day. I am going to cut the snacking and picking and rationalizing bread eating and the fooling myself by telling myself I can eat my trigger carbs. That ends riiiiiigggghhhht NOW! OK. Phew. I already feel lighter. That was a burden my friends!

I know this does not sound revolutionary, but when you are off course, you gotta jerk back on!

I am back baby. Let the weight loss and better health pathway be cleared!

Time to write this post: 11 minutes (for those counting). If I proof read or was finicky about things I could extend it to 20. Alas my puzzle is calling my name. No, not exercise. I am still in my jammies and have no intention of unjammifying. Today I will be ripping around the hills and dales with puppyroo. She is also still jammified.

OK now 12 minutes. You people and your stalling tactics!

Hate Loss Challenge

2012-01-21T12:54:00.000-08:00

I have opted to take this week's challenge post off my blog. I think it was inspiring hate... the opposite of my desires. I am going to continue to participate, but probably not on my blog.

2012-01-18T07:52:00.000-08:00

Thank you Karen from the ever clever and punalicious Waisting Time for tagging me on her blog. It is a game I would like to pass on and play but my ISP reacts violently to external tagging. So I will play only to the point of my own pleasure and then I am going to leave you to get your own - in other words I am taking a Guy Day. Ark.

First I am to reveal 11 random things about me. This never goes well, but here we are:

1) I get highly grumpy with Mr. Munchberry when he plays 20 questions with me as I sit down to lunch. He goes all morning not talking to me and come the time when food is before me and I NEED to devour it the fella gets all curious about my opinions - which I usually love to give (shut up!), but not when a goody needs to be eaten.
2) I eat and love spicy food. When others tell me they cannot tolerate any spice, I unconsciously rack it up as a character flaw. Yep. I do that.
3) I am impatient
4) Ever since Vickie over at Baby Steps V talked about cleaning out her belly button mine has stunk. Oh my GOD that just made me choke on my soup from laughing. *reminder to self to not blog and eat at the same time.
5) Diet coke tastes like tin to me.
6) I don't do Facebook or Twitter or IMing AND I had to look up what tagging meant. Yep. And I only have a disposable phone. Yep yep. Don't like yapping on the phone.
7) I love when I get free things. The other day I got two free calendars and a free bite of ice cream and you would have thought someone gave me a treasure chest of gold. I don't get out much and I am a simple girl (see #6).
8) I always wash under my boobs first when I get into the shower. ALWAYS!
9) I have never eaten a Dorito or an In and Out Burger.
10) The first boy I ever kissed was Mark S. and he, after I had some comparison under my belt, turned out to be a slobberpuss. I saw him like 10 years after that kiss and dude not only did not remember me but tried to hook up with me! Nope. Drooly does not equal droolworthy.
11) It annoys me when my husband gets a hang nail or a chipped nail wshere no nail clippers are available and then he whines about it and refuses to just bite it off. It is not like I am suggesting he bite a toenail! I should get him one of those mini clippers you attach to your key chain! Sincerely, the guy will not bite or tear the nail off. I might have to consider that a character flaw too. LOL

And here are the questions Karen asked me to answer::

What is the most memorable meal you ever ate? I have lots... I KNOW... shut up. Today I will say it is when Mr. Munchberry cracked conch in pitch blackness off the back of our boat in the Bahamas and then fried it. The boat the next morning was a sea of conch shell slivers. Not so wonderful. I have a picture of him with a conch dick in his mouth. I trot it out whenever he gets uppity. Have I mentioned this before? I bet I have.
What TV show(s) are you embarrassed to admit you watch? Anything Kardashian. I watched it during a marathon day where they show the episodes all day. Now I sort of laugh when I reference them. I like Kloe. So shoot me. The rest are boring and have the MOST annoying voices in all of humanity! The younger set of girls are really bratty.
Would you rather hire a trainer, chef, house cleaner, or personal shopper? CLEANER! I dream of someone other than me cleaning the house. Start with the toilets, move to the fur tumbleweeds! Of course I would clean before they got here, so...
Share a favorite childhood memory. I spent most of my time in the water between swimming and diving practice. But I adored skiing. I felt powerful and free every time. Plus I liked to show off. Water skiing. I am a hopeless boob alpine skiing.
What destination would you love to visit? I want to go to and live for a while on a boat in the South Pacific. So would Mr. Munchberry. BUT I am in no mood to cross the Pacific etc. to get there.
What’s one food you think you don’t like but you’ve never actually tried? I have not eaten a sea cucumber. I think it would taste disgusting. People eat them and swear they are tasty. I only see them vomiting up their insides when they are scared. Bleck!
What modern technology that you didn’t grow up with could you now not live without? I would miss my computer, but I have lived without all modern convenience before for long periods of time and was very happy. Maybe more happy at times. So living without technology would not be all that earth shaking. I would probably be more productive.
List the 5 websites you visit most often. *Real Clear (Politics, World, Markets... They are my go to news consolidator) *YouTube, *Googlemaps, *Nutrition Data, *Library
Who would you like to meet (living, dead, fictional character, blogger, anyone…)? My husband's grandma Yvonne. Dead.

View out the window right now

What’s your favorite spot in your house and why?Where in your house do you spend the most time? Fave spot is near the window in the family room. We have a GIANT maple right outside there that is the prettiest and (in the winter) scariest tree ever. I spend a lot of time at my desk pranking around. Mr. Munchberry is right on the other side of the desk so... pretty much 24/7 togetherness. It is not my favorite place, in fact the chair kills my back, but here is the computer (see question 7).
How long on average does it take you to write a blog post? 10 minutes. As you can tell I do not proof read. I also try not to do them ahead anymore. I just write whatever is in my head with (clearly) no real thinking and hit "POST". Later I think about it and then I write about it later if it still matters. I know BIG surprise.

So no tag.

I actually want to write about what I have going on in my head for the Hate Loss Challenge, but that I will have to sit on. Hope it does not escape from my head by Fri. AND it is freaking blizzarding up here right now. I cannot believe we still have internet and power. The dish for the satellite is piled with snow and yet the TV still broadcasts my Leave it to Beaver! But at other times if a cherry tree branch brushes against it we lose the signal. Hmmm. Fingers crossed.

**** UPDATE****

Did I mention it is blizzarding here? We went for a walk about and when they do not plow - well it is pretty but if you are a doofus you can spend a lot of time eating the snow. I was going to walk to the store to get veggies. Nope. They would freeze by the time I got home. Later todaytonight we are going to give the kayak a go down the hill. Waiting for ice to form. We tried last night, but it was not slick enough on the road from all the snow. But today's snow seems less flaky and more icy! I should consider borrowing someone's helmet. Should. Won't. If I do not blog again, I cracked my nut.

The Pretty, The UGLY and the Funny

2012-01-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

Pretty, Ugly, Funny in that order:

Pretty:

We finally got snow. Here is a picture of it first thing in the morning at our friends house. They have a beautiful piece of land with wild trails, a river, old growth forest and meadows with deer and elk grazing about. But the prettiest picture when it snows is what I call the maze which is a series of pathways out their backyard which can take you to a lodge, to the river or to the meadow depending on which path you happen on. SO delicate and pretty in the winter snow.

Heading to the deep forest

A close up

Heading towards the meadow

Ugly:

49ers over Saints
Patriots over Broncos
Ravens over Texans
Giants over Packers

Sigh

Funny (Indulge me. At least I am allowing for the possibility Brady goes to heaven):

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God

was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded

Patriots flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity Tom, said

God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." Tom felt

special, indeed, and walked up to his house.

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the

corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and

drive ways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag

waving, a swimming pool in shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every

window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I

have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even

went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point Tom?"

"Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Tim's house, it's mine."

Munchberryville is Gator Country.

HLC Week 2

2012-01-13T09:52:00.000-08:00

Questions for this week

I often receive the most compliments on my hair.
What I admire most about myself when I look at my reflection is my eyes.
I take pride in my - man this is hard... not being afraid to try new things.
I love the fact that I can forgive.
My greatest quality is I never stay mad long.
Study your answers for as long as you feel comfortable. Now, take a mini-vacation from your current self.

You know what I discovered this week during my many 10 minute perfection exercises? I am uncomfortable with thoughts that I am perfect as I am. Or I have the attentions span of a gnat. Probably both, but I am leaning towards the former since the exercise got easier each time I did it. I woke this morning knowing I was going to do it before I got up for coffee - while my mind was a clean slate and I made it to about 7 minutes. Big improvement over the other times. Then I drifted to needing to call my sister and could not get back on track. So I called and then worked on my positive reinforcement sheet.

Something not too great about this week - I think - I am not sure - or maybe I needed to do it? I did something very out of character for me - I actively sought out other's opinions of me. That is so completely out of character, but I think I am over it now. Frankly, your comments from Wed.'s post really sort of put me on a course correction. That and last night I saw a PILE of people (wedding/reception) I had not seen in ages (and who had not seen me in like maybe 50 pounds). I got all sorts of feedback - some SO funny because it was from men who all seem to be cut from the same cloth as my own husband. Compliments, astonishment, talks of my fat and proportion. But for some reason I was not in the least bothered by it. Not one little bit. I really do think the perspective you ladies gave me - well it was prescient. The comments and opening my mind to the possibility that I am pretty terrific and that - yeah - I do like me! really helped me be a mentally healthy person last night and I think will bolster me going forward! So WOO HOO!

I will still need to work on the shutting down the sort of self talk that I think I should call self acceptance hedging. The "yeah, I am really great at..., but one time 10 years ago..." I mean COME ON! I want to get to a place where I can say without reservation or hedging or caveat - what have you - "I am a terrific girl and I work every day to keep it that way" I think that solves my chicken/egg thing. I am working on what I think of as what makes up terrific. Those are some of the components of my positive reinforcement sheet.

Week One (Belated) of The Hate Loss Challenge

2012-01-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

My cute butt

I missed week one obviously. Week one is where we look back and let go. When I read the theme I thought "Oh pish I have been there and done that. I am not going there again - NOPE!" I admit it. I said that. In my head of course where all such delusional talk occurs and foments my mental unrest under the guise of being restful.

But then I read the rest of Ellen's post and Hanlie's post. It got me to thinking. And here I am thinking out loud.I wrote a comment back to Ellen about my own "loneriness". My comment to her post:

Lots of stuff to process there. As a reader. I can only imagine in life. It got me thinking. Wondering about why I seek the comfort of loneriness too. I always have said to myself that I am terrible at walling off my feelings, but apparently or maybe? I am so good at it I do not even notice I am doing it anymore.
I think it was very smart of you to start with I’m nots. How can you say with any sort of conviction or respect even the “I am’s” if that voice is still in the background? You would hesitite and smirk or whatnot maybe because you (or I) would “know” the words were fraudulent.
Can you or I ask and answer to our own satisfaction: Why am I not those things? If not, why do we not believe ourselves and WHY do we hand over that power to anyone – even those that do not even exist anymore?
Yep. bears exploring. Thank you for this very thoughtful post.

First, I am sort of at a loss for proper words about what happened with her being bullied and I cannot just let it pass because it was so profoundly evil. I wonder how that can reasonably be undone.

I was thinking last night as I was doing the exercise this week about what is good about you and so forth. How I could not come up with things I could reasonably attribute to myself that were amazing. I would think - well, I am a good friend. And then I would think "Oh really?" And then recount the times where I treated someone like they were an inconvenience. So out went that notion. Then I moved to I am a talented... Nope. No can do. I am an inveterate half asser.

So I guess that is why I wondered in my comment how to reasonably convince myself that the good things I can say are truthful and maybe the better solution is to stop telling myself something I believe to be false (or mostly false or not all the way true) and to just go out there and become that. Chicken or egg first? I want to tell myself nice things and will, but I cannot assure myself that I believe it.

Why such a shaky Munchberry you ask?

I want to relate this story to you.

This past week I was talking to Mr. Munchberry about how I appreciated the compliments he has been showering me with lately. I told him that it was a little confusing because I just thought he was not one for giving compliments. In fact sometimes when he would compliment me he would say "I wanna tell you how good you look, but I do not want it to go to your head". Which I took as either he has always holding back because he did not want me to have a fat head or he somehow thought it would lead me to have a wandering eye. I know. I am fucked up in the head. But that is what I thought.

But the truth came out. I asked him why all of a sudden had he decided to be all complimenty. He said that "before he had no reason to compliment me". Gulp. I was sort of shocked and pissed and confused. I said something like "You mean there was never ever anything pretty about me or admirable?" "Is that why you never gave me a compliment unless I asked for one?" He said he did not know. Can I convey to you how much that made me cry? The one person who I thought thought I was the most terrific person in the world could not come up with an unprompted compliment on my visage? I was lovely on the inside, but dreadful outside? It is hard to choke back tears now.

I was thinking all these years that at least my husband saw my beauty. He thought I was pretty, but in reality... not so much. So now when he tells me how good I look, how young I look, how great I look in my jeans I want to tell him to go to hell AND I also want to hear it - and so I do not tell him to go to hell. How does a girl get over it?

I told him I was going to write about it. He was not thrilled, but understood. It is my blog, I write what I want. It is a good thing my computer was not working at the time because it has taken me a week to sort it out even to the jumbled mess I have in my head right now! He tells me that he does not care about the outside, but the truth is he does. I could say I do not care about the outside. I could say it. But it would be a lie. I want to say nice things to myself in the mirror, but I feel at this point it would be one of many half truths. That I am a fragile egg. A house built on sand in an area of great tidal surge. Sometimes I think of what he said and wonder if I am overreacting. I do that. Sometimes I think - I AM pretty on the outside and he is a jerk. Sometimes I think "was I so blind about my fat?" I mean I knew nobody but one loon ever looked at me, but I thought it was just my being overweight, but they thought - "Oh she has a pretty face though." Something. SOMETHING! But apparently I was invisible. Or a blob. I did not feel that way I don't think. Maybe I did. Maybe that explains a few things.

I have some thinking to do and I am not sure where to start. So I am going to start with the I am nots and maybe a few things I know for sure.
I am not ugly whether I am fat or thin.
I am kind
I deserve better. What I am not sure. That does not really fit does it?
I am creative
I am strong for others when they cannot be

That's all I have for now. That is also not really looking back. So in an effort to make my reality that is so bothersome to me right now FIT into the week:
I think this sort of ties in - I look back on how my mother told me I was too fat to wear pretty things - that was her problem with herself. I understand the feeling of "I am not good enough right now to give myself beauty and happiness", but that is harmful and wasteful and mean. I have been working on that. With some resistance on my part and on Mr. Munchberry's part. Giving my old large clothes to Goodwill. Tossing or giving things in my closet that made me feel ugly. Wearing things that did not fit. I have been slowly weeding those out over the last few months. it has been so hard because I struggle with feeling worth nice things, I do not want to throw away things I might need - maybe it is a security blanket. A reaffirmation of things I have been told about myself - and tossing them would mean I have to let that go?

I know each time I winnow down my closet selections I feel better. I am going with it. In baby steps mind you. I am going to wear what looks good. I am going to apply some makeup and style my pretty hair and if anyone my the name of Mr. Munchberry decides to question me on this change or why I am getting all gussied up I am going to tell him that I deserve it, want it and this is the new old me.

* Also, please do not hate Mr. Munchberry. He is not by any stretch of the imagination a mean or malicious person.

I'm Back Bitches!

2012-01-10T16:23:00.001-08:00

Mr. Munchberry took my computer apart, hunted down the needed pieces parts because he is conversant in PC talk and then put Humpty together again. Voila. He is still looking at laptops for himself so we are sharing this one. I guess my house can now retreat back into dust ball collection, my sewing can go untouched and that blasted contraption I am knitting can go back into the catchall I snagged it from while on bloghiatus. Sincerely. My house has never been so clean, clothes never so pressed and I have nearly completed sewing the top of a quilt. A baby's quilt, but for me - a miracle.

What has transpired weight and food wise? I have been very hungry and I have been somewhat unresolved to not drink liquor and have used a very stressful even as an excuse to drink about a half bottle of wine a night. Yep. Burp. Someone I love is having some pretty serious problems right now and I have taken it upon myself to worry endlessly about them even though I am basically powerless to fix it. Today I have decided that the problem gets only 30 minutes of active thought while I am not having to think of the problem to be helpful or understanding or a friend. That has proven quite dificil. Good thing the computer is back working. Distraction works on the feeble. I visited my friend Chewy to try to figure out how to be a good friend and a helpful person. She is my relationship guru. We have mapped out better friend skills. I think I am on a better path.

I have not lost any weight basically since Christmas. I have gained and lost the same three pounds. Not sure what to do about it except knock off the drinking and the random Ritz cracker I seem to be popping with abandon into my mouth. What the heck is wrong with me? I also bought a bag of baked Tostitos and proceeded to eat them 120 calories at a time. Double sigh. I said to myself "I need these to go with my Southwestern Veggie Soup!" Complete bullshit that only I bought. Luckily I finished the bag today. Yep. Held the bag up to my mouth to catch the last salty crumbs... that is what I did alright! I also made a pile of roasted tomatoes and ate them all. Well, all but 4. Mr. Munchberry asked for some and I begrudgingly gave him 4. Ditto that on the Tostitos, he wanted some. But I did not give him any. Stingy Chip Bitch. SCB! Tough.

Not sure what I am going to do to get back on track. Maybe getting back to my fave dieting and whatnot blogs and blogging myself will help. I wake with determination and then it goes downhill. I am starving. Right now I am a little nauseous from eating about 1/2 cup of almonds over at Chewy's... yet I am going to eat dinner. Lamb. Baah. I somehow decided a syrah might fix my stomach. See? I am drinking it right now. So far still barfy.

I went to the doctor today to get a second round of steroids stuck into my foot to get rid of the pain from Morton's neuroma. The first one did some good (I got it just before Christmas). This one should knock it out for a while. Eventually I may have to get the nerve cut. I could not walk on it without a lot of pain. That is ridiculous.

What else? I got a Mirena IUD to try to control my stuck pig periods. The first two weeks I continued to bleed out. It scared me. They did not seem too disturbed so on we went. I felt like my uterus wanted to expel it. It detected a foreign object and tried for three weeks to cramp it out. I think it is still in there because I have passed a week since I was SUPPOSED to have my period and I have only spotted. Yep. Gushing like a freshly slit aorta to a drippity drop like from a finger prick.

So there you have it. No weight gain or loss. Add in an IUD, subtract out violent blood loss, minus foot pain and add in stress from no computer and a friend in trouble/pain. Not sure if that nets out really. Yeah, it does. Now if only I could ditch the desire to vomit.

I wonder how everyone is doing on the Hate Loss Challenge! SO much to catch up on!

Computer Problems

2012-01-02T20:37:00.000-08:00

As in mine died and so did Mr. Munchberry's. Bad weekend at Casa Munchberry this weekend.

So I am not going to be posting until I get myself to the computer store and shell out some dough. Blah. Bad timing. Now is the one time I wish others knew about my blog. I could go over to a friend's house and blog my little heart out. Alas.

Anyhoo. NYE went great. I changed a few things for me to make it more calorie friendly.

Thank you Vickie for thinking of me. I think I felt it because I decided the night of to walk to the store and get the bread and FF cream cheese to make Karen's mustardy cheese goop for my salmon. Yah!

OK see you all when I can get my act together. And pennies. Boo for the Gator Loss - Breath holding for the Cardinal and Tigers!

New Years Eve Dinner.... HMM

2011-12-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

Hi folks. Contemplating New Years Eve (NYE) dinner tonight. Well, actually the whole evening. We are staying in. We hardly ever go out for NYE. We usually make a crazy elaborate dinner filled with the most extravagant things you can imagine and spend the night reviewing the year and our shear luck of having one another all while sipping champagne.

The change from previous years is the food. The calories and fat to be more specific. And I do not want to overload my stomach.

So here is what I have tentatively planned for the evening (food wise) and where I might like some help:

Starts: Oven baked mini potato latkes with homemade creme fraiche and homemade gravlax and herbs. I might make a few pieces with cucumber as the base. Still working that out in my mind... whether it will piss me off to have to eat that.

I want to do one more appetizer. Looking for ideas. It cannot involve shrimp or mozzarella with tomato and basil (we ate that game day). I am leaning towards sweet/spicy nuts. But I like to play this game with myself where I ignore 3/4 of the nuts I actually put into my mouth. Soooo.... I am also pondering almond stuffed dates or some dates filled with cheese and wrapped in prosciutto. 187 calories in two of those date goodies. There is also an appetizer back in my brain somewhere that involves endive, gorgonzola and cream cheese and something else. Maybe it was dried figs or nuts? Anyone know that recipe?

Dinner: We are definitely having filet mignon (I will have a small one and he will have a giant one because he is a freaking beefpig) And as a side note, Mr. Munchberry has lost weight without even trying. I want to not be irritated. He looks great. Less belly, but also less ass and I liked the old ass. A poufier ass. Speaking of - I have a picture of my own poufy ass. I will post it within the week.

Where was I?

Oh yes! Filets and well, we are not doing baked potatoes because I made an ass of myself about the freaking baked potato at Christmas time. I did not give a rip about the meat (which was lovely), but zeroed crazily in on the potato and all the low fat butter and sour cream and salt I could pile all over it. Yep. Yuck. So none of those. No sweet potatoes either because we eat lots of those all the time and Mr. Munchberry might have a meltdown if he sees it on his NYE plate. We always have little potatoes too. I am sorta blah on pasta. Also over spaghetti squash. Maybe I could do acorn squash. For some reason that does not make me all atwitter. can't do butternut either. We eat a lot of that. What other starchy something is there that is special but not crazy calorie laden?

Salad/Soup: Not sure about the salad yet either so I will take yummy suggestions there too. It cannot involve Newman's sesame ginger dressing. You Know Who wants to do a caesar, but that is bready and oily. But on the bright side, he makes it. I want soft little greens with nuts and dried fruit, but that sort of stomps on my appetizer ideas.

Veggie. He would like to skip that. I want them. It cannot be white asparagus because I gag when I see them. They look like albino dicks. Nope. No albino dicks. I wish I knew of a good veggie side that I do not currently do. We roast veggies a LOT. Spinach - done. Green beans - oy. b.sprouts... if I serve them any more he might get violent. I am at a loss. Maybe no veggie unless someone writes me with a miracle side.

Dessert. Not having one. He does not care one bit about dessert and if I make one I will eat it until it is gone or he will hide it and then trot it out later and gorge on it in front of me.

So evening calorie/fat wise the big splurges are the champagne and the creme fraiche. Whipping cream. I am not exactly sure what I will do with the leftovers of the creme fraiche since I will NOT toss it. Won't! Maybe I will make Mr. Skinny some pasta with it and any left over prosciutto - should I decide to go that way.

My GOD I cannot wait until the season of celebration is freaking over! I want to be a scrooge, but since I am a scrooge basically 355 days out of the year... Oh BOTHER! On the other hand I do enjoy sipping champagne. Man I have been drinking a lot lately. No wonder I'm not dropping the weight!

Know what else I plan to do? Enjoy whatever I eat and drink. I will consider it a pause in absolutely healthy eating and drinking. That said, I want it to be something I can live with.

So, if you have some good ideas - spoon them up!

Versatile Blogger Award

2011-12-27T04:54:00.000-08:00

I love Karen (KLA) the icon in my commenter section with the profile hidden by a chesnut mane. Ah well, I made her sound like a horse. Veil. A silken veil! She owns a lovely blog named "Can I Learn to Think Like a Thin Person". What you will find there is a smartly written examination of whether her 8 month foray into cognitive therapy allowed her to finally think like a thin person. What is cognitive therapy? Go check her blog out and find out Lazy! But seriously, it is a more than that. She is like all of us, trying to drop some weight and learn to eat and act like we belong in maintenance. Plus she has trouble keeping her zipper up. NO. She is not a slut. OK, I am pretty sure she isn't. LOL. No really, totally lovely, married with kids and animals. She merely walks around occasionally with a fine howdoyado greeting to all that pass her by. Zipper down. For me that sounds like practicality. But then again I take pictures of my ass crack and post it on the internet. Butt really. She has some good ideas, some good thoughts and her posts will make you think and chuckle and maybe - JUST maybe motivate you to get moving or to have a better relationship with food or just see the humor in life. Who could not use all three of those?

Oh yeah, she passed me down an award. I am a versatile blogger. Meaning I not only show my ass but I show my ass. Figuratively, literally and figuratively. Yes, all three. I also use lots of different colors in my blog and I use various spellings for the same word when they are not homonyms. And I make up words. But they make total sense don't they! Say they do or leave!

OK now I tell you 7 things about me that you do not know, but may have guessed or maybe the possibility entered your mind, but you quickly dismissed it because you like me:
1) I love when people post pictures of their dogs on their blogs. I heart dogs. I generally am neutral on cats except Roz's Neva. Her cat is porky. Sorry Roz.
2) I sing almost all the time. Random things. Commercials, show tunes, disco, rock, my own stuff. For a while I was stuck on "Secret Lover" By Atlantic Star - it had Mr. Munchberry wondering. I know a CRAZY amount of music. Seriously voluminous. Mind busting amounts. THAT is why I cannot remember anything else! All full at the Inn!
3) When I was a child I wanted a retainer. Braces and then a retainer. No dice. I told you already that my parents made me wear the plastic gold tooth until we moved to Miami right? Like I would get braces and a retainer? So I fashioned one almost every day (a retainer plate for the roof of my mouth) out of candy sticks called Jolly Ranchers. They now come in these little candies, but they used to come in like 5 inch sticks and about the same width as a child's roof of the mouth. My favorite was watermelon, then green apple then fire. I did not do grape. Period. Never!
4) I ate in an out of control manner twice during Christmas and the eve of Christmas. Not fattening things, but still I was not hungry and I was only eating to fill the emotional gap. have not really done that so much lately. Once while in FL, but otherwise pretty good. I hope that stops.
5) I still have my tonsils.
6) I subtract the weight of my fibroid when I tell my husband my weight. It amuses him and THAT amuses me.
7) My husband just said "dude" to someone on the phone. I think I have never heard him say that to anyone. They are talking about doing an accounting audit at a bank or something. Uh, well that is a big downer. But still. Dude! If he sez it again I won't like it. Once, fine and really funny to hear come out of his mouth. Twice, I am deprogramming him via a punch in the piehole.

See how I just slipped 4 in there? Don't want too much self examination on that. I have been down that road and- well, the signs are the same and there is no real road maintenance to do. Best to just move on.

Now I am supposed to nominate 15 new blogs that I have recently found and liked. Well, that is why I have sorta not mentioned this award. Hoping I would do some recon. But I just do not look at bazillions of blogs and really, not a lot of new ones. So what I did was I got out a die and rolled it. I got 1. No I am not lying. Stop second guessing me! So I am going to do ONE: Life of Lisa I am not sure how she will find out that I have nominated her. Maybe she will read this. You cannot comment on her blog - which is totally interesting BTW. Go check it out! She is a gal just like you - full plate. She lives life well IMO and I love to read about what she is up to, her random things about her are always really the sort of thing that really helps you get to know her. She loves sports and she is a weight watcher. Very versatile lady blogging about a versatile life!

Thanks for the good reads Lisa. Feel free to take my queue and roll the die.

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah

2011-12-23T06:04:00.000-08:00

Hope you have a lovely weekend surrounded with people you love and love you right back. Mr. Munchberrry and I are doing our regular low key thing. Dinner at home on Christmas Eve and then... dinner at home for Christmas day. I know! Super ambitious. I know this. I probably will eat more than usual (but it won't involve stuffing or anything that will make me a binge machine). I also will probably be in permaloaf position on the couch since it is wall to wall football Saturday. We will also be planning our Christmas dinner around the Greenbay game and the only time I will be getting of the couch during that game is to get a drink or pee (commercials) and to stand for a Rodger's discount DoubleCheck Championship belt move!

Check out M'boy!

Booyah!

And we BETTER get the Miami / NE game and the Denver / Beefalo game or the day will probably suck. Love me some Tim Tebow (GO GATORS! CHOMP). Yes, I am one of those people.

I think we are going to have people ambling over for those two days. I like it that way. Everyone knows when not to come and everyone knows how to get their own food and cocktails at our house. High five to all of our friends who have nicely trained themselves to live with my utter lazy hostessness. I was contemplating what I could make munchy wide for the game. I am gonna make the vile chili and velveeta dip. Mr. Munchberry loves it and I detest it. Lots of veggies and dip. Not too much food since we are having dinner early, but at least something so the table isn't bare and I won't go nosing around the pantry or near the cheese compartment in the fridge where there is some brie en croute hiding out. I bought it for a drinks party we had earlier this week and there it is still sitting - half gone with its congealed guts folded back in on itself. At least that is how I am thinking of it. Maybe I will drag that thing out. LOL

Anyhoo, Exercise resumes the day after Christmas before we head out to see Girl with the Dragon Tattoo v 2. Woop! So mad now that I think of it. I am guessing Daniel Craig will have no reason to be shirtless in this film. Maybe they will gratuitously yank it off for the final scene which I shall not be rude and divulge, but WILL give you an early gift:

Oh yeah.

Never tell me I don't give ya nuthin. Yes. I know that is a really bad double negative. DC does it to me. So if you are going to wear a nut hugger (bleck) you had BETTER fill it out admirably AND it better be attached to that style body where the suit becomes sort of invisible. Grawr. Did you detect my breathlessness? Good. I tried to hide it. Maybe I will put a pic of Daniel in the weight room. A little incentive. I think Mr. Munchberry might take exception to that. Maybe Mr. Munchberry will decide he wants to get a bod like Daniel! Yep. It is going up. The picture. Nasty nasty reader!

So my point. No it is not to be a total pervo on Christmas. I really do not have one. Except, I look forward to hearing about your weekend come Monday. If I win the lottery over the weekend (Mr. Munchberry is getting me a ticket for Christmas) I will still be posting Monday, but will be delayed due to massive champagne drinking. I expect the same from you.

There are some people who have not been posting lately. I am trying not to envision anything involving wagons or falling from them. If you are one of them I hope you are out enjoying life or traveling or something positive. I will be checking your blogs with my fingers crossed.

Also congrats to Bee! She is a fellow health and weight loss blogger who... is having a babykins! Such good and positive and exciting news to round the year out with. August due date? I think it is a girl. Yep. I went there. One month - my ESP tells me girl

OK now THAT is the way to end a post!

Hugs.

Why Eileen Fisher Sucks

2011-12-21T00:45:00.000-08:00

Who is she? A clothes designer. For people she seems to hate - at at least prefers to disassociate herself with. Who are her customers? Well, this may come as a complete shock to Eileen Fisher (EF) - so if you are reading Eileen, you may want to avert your eyes. It is most often plus sized ladies and older women (50+). She herself is an older woman.

Look at the designs. Long and flowy beautiful fabric. Absolute yum. (Sorry, won't link to her) Yet she thinks her customer is the young and edgy. Show me a young and edgy chick pulling her clothes on in the morning and I will eat my house - piece by piece until I am finished... and you know I will - I am one of those hated plus sized girls. Who can afford her frocks? Older women. Not too many girls I know who can flip out a few hundred bucks for a flowy cardi. Who wants a flowy cardi? Someone camo-ing a maybe... wider waist. Yeah... young and thin and edgy certainly comes to mind.

Here is an article about how she does not want to market her clothes to people like her anymore. Apparently women who are fifty make her depressed: NYT Eileen Fisher. And here is another telling a story in which Rosie O'Donnell was singing her praises and Eileen Fisher got huffy. Eileen Does Not Heart Fat Girls

I read about this some time ago and I thought - yeah, I am never going to wear her stuff again.

What makes me write about it just now?
This: H/T Goodnuff

And

Crisis of character and beliefs. A friend offered to send me her older giant stack of EF clothing. She lost weight and they were looking for a new home. 16W. About 10 items. I said no. Lead up to "no" troubled me. I am a totally frugal girl. How often does someone get offered a few grand of free clothing? In your size? For the season you are in? No one would know. Ah.... there was the rub. I would know. Decision all of a sudden easy. No. But, thank you. Thank you for reminding me about me and about how much Eileen Fisher sucks the big one. If someone asked me who made my sweater I would cringe telling them. I would feel like shit about myself. No pretty pile of sweaters is worth that.

Look in the mirror Eileen. Self loathing is ugly stuff.

Dear Cereal, It's not you, It's me.

2011-12-19T00:32:00.000-08:00

Yep. I wrote a break up note to my old love of my life cereal. Specifically Special K with Berries.

A few weeks ago I got it into my head that I could eat cereal like a normal person. You know, like not obsessed with it, or eating it for breakfast, snacks and dessert, or not to the point where I was consuming half of my day's calories in cereal, or not to the point where I would get stomping mad when my husband tried to lift a berry from my bowl as I turned my back to him and my beloved cereal to get almond milk from the fridge. Yeah. I went there.

My husband confronted me the other day. He wanted to know if I was seeing cereal on the side and if it was getting serious. I denied it. But he persisted. "I think I saw you out with it like three times yesterday and when we went to Costco you put cereal into the basket even though you had not finished the cereal at home." I got mad and told him to mind his own beezwax. My lust continued unabated.

Then the farts started. Seriously. Serious farting. And not the ones nobody notices because they are silent and undeadly, but the kind where you have to leave because you cannot bear the smell of YOUR OWN fart. It got to the point where I had to leave the house. Me and the dog out for a fart quest walk several times per day. Only the dog does not fart and, strangely, has no desire to sniff mine.

I digress.

During one such walk I had a little talk with myself. Maybe I WAS getting a little too serious with the Special K. I went home and looked at my calorie record book and lo... half of my calories some days were from Special K. I was not eating over my calories I generally allow myself, but I was not eating healthily. Not healthy for my mind or body. I had slipped back into destructive behaviors. Soooo easily my friends.

Cereal is out. Sorry cereal. I can live without you. I will miss you though. Last night when Mr. Munchberry poured himself a bowl of you when he thought I was gone and then I happened to come through the kitchen, my eyes were like magnets to your steel. Luckily, Mr. Munchberry broke the attractive bond. I am glad he is eating you out of your house and home. You cannot live here anymore.

Crotch Shot!

2011-12-16T06:06:00.000-08:00

Tee haw.

Not sure if I will be disappointing you are relieving you. I am guessing a little of each since you may have clicked on the name of the post in curiosity. Yep. Tee haw. Ya never know with me. Ass crack one day, sad one of my old crotch the next. Admire your crotch young women. Trust me.

I digress.

Well, I will not entirely disappoint you. For I thought you might like to have a look into my fridge. I made no adjustments or swipes with the sponge. Just snapped it on a whim when I was making a series of pictures of me drinking some yummy tea. I was in a photofrenzy. A fotofugue. Yeah... enough of that.

So - What Munchberry munches on. Now if I were gay I might have used that as the subtitle. Alas...

I should have snapped some of the freezer. Maybe you could figure out what some of the mysterious things are in there. I licked a couple the other day - I came up with homemade enchilada sauce, pesto and banana pieces. I must have also been making a sandwich because the mustard is missing. I think the stuff in bags up top are herbs. I made tabbouleh. Only a little because if I make more than the meal's worth I will eat it until it is gone. Still working on that obsession. Salad gobbling.

Drill Sergeant Munchberry

2011-12-14T03:33:00.000-08:00

Actual Post It Note to myself next to the Elliptical. It has been there for years. I obey it. It makes me smile.

Only a couple weeks until the Hate Loss Challenge and I am already seeing lots of areas for improvement. I think.

You see I believe that part of me likes or thrives or... something on when I berate myself. I have tried being gentle and loving to myself Munchberry, but frankly, I ignore that voice or I tell it to go get Effed. See? Double mean. Seems I mostly understand or respond to negative self stimuli when I catch myself not doing something up to my own expectations or when I am feeling weak or when I am eating something I shouldn't or I am slacking (on and on).

Let's take today exercising. I start out really well like I might say to myself while putting on my tennies "You are going to kick that machine's ass and then you are going to light your ass on fire with the mind freak amount of squats you are going to do because you are an ASS KICKING MACHINE!". I get downstairs and have my plan of attack set. I play this little game with myself when I exercise that starts off OK. It is this game of goals and rewards I set up for myself wherein I say "get to 4000 revolutions on the stepper by 35 minutes and you can get off the thing without doing the blasted cool down". Midway through I notice that I am watching Rick Santelli on TV and not at all minding my pace. I look down and see 86 RPM. Then is where I choose the mean fork in the road. I do not say "Wake up gorgeous! Better hop to or you will be on this unfriendly machine for an extra 5!" No, I say "Quit horsing around you lazy asshole. Are you on here for kicks? Because that is what you are acting like. Going for a stroll or do you want the fat gone? Move it lard ass!" At least that is how today's conversation went.

In theory, I should want to stop, but I listen to mean Munchberry and I get moving. Nice cajoling Munchberry gets "Zip it. He is saying something interesting and while I am at it, if I get to the end of the 35 and I am not at 4000 I am getting off this bitch AND I am going upstairs and eating avocado." See my point? OK I hardly do either. It just occurred to me that this might be something to think about with the upcoming Hate Loss Challenge.

So do you talk lovingly to yourself as you exercise or are you all drill sergeant? After eating something you know you should not be eating do you say A) "Oh better luck next time you try at resisting temptation" or B) "What the hell is wrong with you you weak turd? Stop being a pig!" Am I the only one that does not respond to the nice talk? I mean I do not say I am hopeless or that all is lost. I just call myself out... colorfully. But I naturally talk that way. If I said Version A I would say to myself "Oh shut up." But version B I might scream out all frustrated and say "Oh fine! Yes, I know. No more M n M's." I have tried being nice, but it feels fake. And it is not me. So is myself talk hateful or is it necessary and in the end loving?

I should point out that I rarely engage in this sort of self talk elsewhere in life. I do not say "Oh I will never learn this song on the guitar!" Or "I am gonna shank this ball" when golfing or "I am not pretty or interesting enough for people to like me" I think that sort of self talk is evil. I see a difference. I wonder if others do.

Reality Check. It AIN'T Pretty

2011-12-12T05:49:00.000-08:00

I thought it had been a while since I had both revolted and shocked you. Today seems like the day to renew my shock contract with you.

I always post these pictures of myself where I set myself up for congratulations and an occasional oooh or ahhh at my shrinkage. But in an effort to document where I am now (pants-wise) for the eventual (fingers crossed) lovely fit later, I took some pictures of myself in size 16 in regular size girl clothes. I do fit into some 16's, but they are in more expensive clothing where they cater more generously to the female ego. Incidentally, without trying I have documented my occasionally ranted about wackadoodle headlights that I am always begging Mr. Munchberry to tell me about. He never does. He did not this day (we had just come back from Costco) and I am guessing my Marty Feldman's were were out there flying their damn freak flag.

OK without further ado (I took these 11/10/11. I weighed 229, I am 5'10"):

Enlarged for Marty Feldman Viewing

Yum. I look like one of those German Veal Sausages

Yes, I am shameless. So sue me. One day I will be like Vickie over at Baby Steps V and go into my closet, pull an outfit from the closet and have it all fit as expected - - because I am able to maintain my weight. Lord won't that feel heavenly. Meanwhile I am getting some thicker cupped bras. Mr. Munchberry is useless as the Marty Feldman warning system.

Hate Loss Challenge

2011-12-09T13:32:00.000-08:00

But, but, but... I love self loathing! I am laughing as I type that. Mostly because it is true, but also because I am a little ashamed that I adore it so. I am also a snarkaholic so being hate free for the month of January will be a challenge indeed!

I am joining Ellen's(fatgirlwearingthin.com) Hate Loss Challenge. I need the challenge. I spent some time in November thinking some rude thoughts. Holidays involving relatives always brings it out in me and I make hardly any effort to stop it. I did make some effort this year as I had made a proclamation on that same blog under the Moving Mountains challenge that I would not be all angsty and thinking negatively ahead of time about the holidays. The challenge did help me to let go and let what would happen happen. Big move for me since I like to practice Munchberry World Domination. Not a very loving and happy way to go about life.

So. January. New beginnings. I am going to make a concerted effort to shape up the inside of my nicely shaping up outside. Inside to match the outside. I have already started this really. In fact, upon reflection, it was only when I dropped the truly hateful person in my life - who in turn sparked a lot of hate in me towards others and towards myself - that I was able to drop the weight. Really. No lie. I love my mom (the hater), but the woman has hate issues that are infective.

Is that a word? Infective? Well, it is here in Munchberryville.

So each week, I think I will open a discussion on hate or love or something round about or whatever Ellen prescribes or happiness springing forth from not hating. Hate cleansing. Hate dissipation aroma therapy. You get me. I look forward to hearing what others think. If you have something you want me to post on, speak up.

But meanwhile, you have 3 weeks or so to think about whether you might benefit from a little hate loss challenge in your life. I urge you to join. You deserve less hate. It will work miracles I think.

Incredible Shrinking and Expanding Woman

2011-12-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

Could not let too much time pass before recognizing that I have crossed through a weird milestone. At 223 I was 100 pounds heavier than my lowest weight I maintained as an adult.

A moment to think about that. I started at 295 (172 pounds over my lowest maintained weight). Lo so many months later I am now at 100 over my lowest weight. I had gained a woman and a preteen. I gained my husband. Weight wise. He weighs 170. Yeah, best not to visualize it.

Why do I keep saying maintained? Because I weighed less. I know it will sound improbably or impossible to some reading this - but those days were far darker than any day I had at 295. I did a LOT of destructive things to myself. It was only later at 295 that I finally decided I was thoroughly lovable. I thought it from time to time on my way up the scale. I never thought I was amazing when I was terribly thin. I concentrated on flaws inside and out. I magnified them just in case anyone should get any sort of notion that I was terrific.

My sister L likes to recall this moment in time where we were walking through the Red Onion (I was probably 23). She was behind me. She said the room was crowded and loud, but when I walked through the room silenced. I giggle writing that. My sister is stingy with any compliment so I savor it. She said she hated me for 10 years after that and tried to get our mom to hate me too. Yes. I still consider it a compliment. Such is the nature of our effed up relationship. Jealousy. Rage. Sadness. The truth is people were not silenced. Not as I recall. But something stunned her that day and she built it up in her mind. I was 123.

Do people still look at me? Well, one guy who loves him a big woman did. Women love my hair. Men who know me maybe like my kind eyes. But no. No looks. Even 75 odd pounds later. My husband likes it. He looks. Funny thing is that you would think I would lament not keeping thin, men not ogling, my fat years. But I don't. Not really. My fat blanket allowed me to love me. The next time you are giving yourself shit for "all the time you lost being fat" - maybe you could consider there might have been a reason you were fat - that maybe you needed to be. - but maybe you don't need to be anymore. Maybe. Give it some thought.

I am ready to move on. On down. Towards health. Towards living. Gratefully, I will not willingly eve see 123 or lower ever again. And. I won't see 295. I don't need to.

Feast or Famine. Such Was the State of Thanksgiving

2011-12-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

It was the pretty fair times it was the pretty miserable times... I would get all hyperbolic, but since there were no actual (and only figurative) beheadings at Thanksgiving - I am left with Charles Milquetoast Dickens. May lit teachers and old Chaz roll in the graves... unless they were cremated or lost at sea. Then I don't know what to say but sorry for my opener.

So. Feast or famine. It lead me to overfeasting. I counted those times as learning experiences. Case in point: Thanksgiving. We get at the camp. 60 or so people and not one thing to eat. Nothing. I go to my MIL2's RV and beg for crackers. 260 calories later I am still starving. Dinner finally arrives. I do not eat stuffing or mashed potatoes as I had planned, but DO eat black eyed peas loaded with stewed pork fat and mac and cheese. I also ate corn bread laced with broccoli (I know weird) and cheese. I pretended the cheese did not exist since I could not technically see it. I also ate off my favorite person (Judy's plate). Tastes. Which I did not count as actual calories. Yep. I went there. I found that I was so hungry that I literally scarfed down the food without being able to stop and enjoy until I got near the end. Blah. That was a recurring theme throught the camp. I also drank more than I have since like... a decade. Like since I worked and drinking was a required thing. But this time I drank for medicinal purposes. Luckily that stopped since I realized that I wanted to vacate the camp early (meaning before 4 am) and that means sobriety. Damn. Cuz frankly, I could have drowned myself in a tankard of wine.

Day after. Same damn thing. Families were warring (meaning my husband's father was acting like an idiotic, selfish prickster) and declared that he was withholding food because his cousins did not deliver their turkey on time the day before leaving him with "not enough turkey to share" and then when my husband (his child) asked if we might have something to eat (well past lunch - that they INSISTED people come to) his dad said "if you have to eat here, I could give you some turkey I scraped from the bottom of the roaster late last night. It is mixed with some stuffing we scraped from the tray". Yeah. Thanks. No. I would not have cared a whit, but Mr. Munchberry got all huffy with me when I said I wanted to go to lunch before heading to camp. I knew there would be no food and I needed fuel. So there we sat. No food. We finally said we were going to go hunt down food and the rest of the people waiting there squealed with glee. We found some at the cousin's camp. We ate there (let those suckers find their own grub). His dad called to inform us that he miraculously found food for us to eat. I bit my tongue. Luckily I had already plowed greedily through a generously stacked ham sandwich so I did not bite all the way through, chew and swallow it gratefully. Sigh. Later that evening the cousin came over looking for pie. BUT someone was still feelinging prickish and would not give him any. Later that cousin had a diabetic seizure. Apparently he needed some sugar. Yep. I was over it by then.

Following day we went to the Outback to meet my brother's new wife (LOVE HER). I know. Time for some good news in the post. She is adorable, funny, interesting, has a terrific laugh and is with my brother despite his innumerable "quirks". My brother made her split a meal with him (which he chose). He makes me want to drink. And so I did. But I ate well. Filet mignon and a double serving of veggies (which seemed to be steamed). Best meal so far on the trip. Rare steak came out rare. Lovely. Unfortunately I drank a lot of calories. Hubby dropped me at the hotel and he went to play poker with his kin. Bless him.

Following day. Chili cookoff gone wrong. I know - what a big damn surprise. Certain brats decided that they were mad at other people who did not give a shit if the pisses were pissed. Brats decided they would act passive aggressively and tell everyone in earshot that they were mad at everyone else and that they were not doing Thanksgiving anymore. SWEET EFFING RELIEF! Brats also started their chili cookoff without HALF the contestants who were canoeing. You know... enjoying themselves. We went to the non cookoff and I had a bowl, but there was no contest because the "host" was mad. Even after I tried to cajole them into some fun no fun would be had under their reign. Ah well. Later we all vacated their camp to go to the fun camp. We watched the gator game and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. I ate their chili there. Yep.

So how is it that I did not gain weight? Before we left we stayed at the spoiler's house (they left early for camp to establish their maginot line against the marauders - a.k.a. everyone else). Not sure. I ate not very often, but when I did I ate like a pig and then washed it down with "I don't give a shit what these crazy fuckers do or say" liquid.

There you have it.

More later on the glory that was post Thanksgiving. Let's just say I did not have to gaze at my "Sunshine in a card" once.

Hello my Kitties! I am back from Familial Obligation

2011-12-05T10:24:00.000-08:00

I am gonna keep this shortish. I have company coming, I have yet to unpack and launder away the grunge from the trip and I am dealing with a little problem with my hound. But I will post at length the CRAZY shit that was my trip. I will be catching up with everyone else then too. What a wonderful reprieve from my ~~ill timed~~ blessed company. Has anyone done their Christmas shopping? Not me. Plus there is like enough dog hair blowing around my house to provide coats for 5 other medium sized dogs.

Oh but the pertinent stuff (sorry, I like to get the whining in first as you know). I am still eating well and losing weight. I had some blips that I sort of planned for and a couple not planned for, but recovered like a super model who trips in her 7 inch heals on the runway... except with a smile and a little more jiggle! I thought about you all so much while I was gone. Sometimes tips and tricks, sometimes about funny things you said and sometimes when I was looking at a very sweet card someone sent me to bring me cheer just in case I felt like shit (which I used twice incidentally). My MIL caught me looking at it. It solidified her secret opinion that I am a little nutty, but she liked the idea of sunshine in a pop up card! Thank you E.

So. Let me clean, care for the wounded, make the downstairs bed, swoop up the hair tumbleweeds, greet my friends, pick my whiskers, Nair my moustachio and make a dash to Costco and THEN I will torture you with my trip check in with ya. It may have to be in reverse order on that. My curiosity about what you have been up to (or down to) trumps my silly ramblings!

Big hug!

Munchberry

Post Holiday Myth Debunking Day

2011-11-25T06:33:00.000-08:00

Not gonna do too many. That would be taxing. You are probably still working off the triptophan! But for your amusement or astonishment:

7 Biggest Diet Myths

And another (I hate Number 7): More Diet Myths

And for your amusement or disgust: Crimes Against Nature I thought the ones about bariatric surgery and lipo especially prescient after Thanksgiving Pigfests.

Hope your Thanksgiving was joyous and not too damaging munchwise. If you held it together, high five! If you let loose and are now paying for it in various and sundry ways (ahem), well after you are done in the lav, dust yourself off and get back on your healthful ways of eating. Do not use this an excuse to toss aside all your hard work!

Maintenance. Ahaish Moment

2011-11-16T10:30:00.000-08:00

OK, maybe it was more of a moment of reassurance that I was doing the right things with my slow and steady weight loss and finding my way back to fitness.

So, I sort of had a small aha! moment before we left for Florida. I am not just learning maintenance right now, I am basically in maintenance. Am I dieting? Meh, not really. If you have a significant amount of weight to lose, you are not going to do it by severe restriction and deprivation. Yes, you WILL lose the weight. All? Maybe, but probably not. You cannot keep that up (maybe they can do it for weeks on Biggest Loser) but that is not normal life. And you know what? THAT is not learning how to live and keep it off. That is not establishing new habits and learning what it means to eat according to a normal body's needs and give it exercise to keep its strength to support you. THAT comes over the long term. Slow and steady. Figuring out what you can eat that won't set of binges (if you go that way). Establishing a new set of foods that will be in your normal "diet" (meaning things you ingest). Setting patterns and habits in exercise. Dealing with or resetting the new normal of eating and exercise, with sweet eating (what it is and how much), eating breakfast, recognizing what hunger feels like and differentiating between hunger and emotions pulling us to eat. The list of things you learn is seemingly endless. But slow and steady allows your mind and body to adjust.

By the time we get to... nirvana (LOL) we will have already been living the life required to maintain for (perhaps) years. Lower calories, not all we want to eat, but what works for our bodies, a variety of things (because there have been no gimmicks like diet cookies or shakes), we are moving, we are conscious of the physics and chemistry of our bodies. We have been apprentice maintainers! We learn from the masters so that when we go out on our own we can be proficient!

So take heart slow but steady weight losers. Will the fat be gone tomorrow? No. But you will have, over time, learned how to keep the pounds off (as a certain maintainer might say).

Breakfast At Mickie D's Video

2011-11-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

Breakfast At Mickie D's

Sung to Breakfast at Tiffany's by the Deep Blue Something

Today, I had a pint of ice cream for breakfast,

a footlong and chips for snack time

and my body is falling apart

Today, I didn't run a marathon

I didn't even put my shoes on

and my body is falling apart

Chorus: But I say what about breakfast at Mickie D's

and you say what about a fresh bowl of fruit

and I say I know a good place for that banana

and you say well that's a fine thing to say!

Today, I ate a bag of Halloween candy

A dozen creme filled donuts

and my body is falling apart

Today, I only walked to the kitchen

I stood at the mirror and did bitchin

that my body is falling apart

Chorus

Happy half way to maintenance to me!

Fall... Ahh, Ohh, Uugh

2011-11-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

While our friends to the South are waking up from their long winter slumber to the fruits of Spring, we up here in the Northern reaches are trying to come to grips with the all mighty FALL.
Here we are leaving the house (this is the tree in our side yard - Lawd it is so pretty from our window looking out)

Here we are heading away from the house towards the river

And here we are at the Elwha river to witness the FALL of the dams. They are taking down the dams in a huge (the biggest ever in the U.S. in fact) project to restore the river to its semi naturalish state so the salmon can spawn (theoretically and all fingers crossy) up the river as they used to. There are two dams. This is the lower one they are in the ugly process of destroying.

Here is what it used to look like.

After they get all of the human stuff pulled out they are gonna reroute it to this side (the left). That is where it originally flowed. Right now there is sediment flowing. A LOT.

Here is the Elwha further down the river from the lowest dam. Believe it or not, that rusty railing is part of the new bridge. Sigh. They replaced an old, rickety wooden bridge that they thought would fall just like the one in Minneapolis (So it has been around for a couple years... and yet seems to have 20 years of rust buildup). Looking straight down the water that looks murky - that is usually crazy pretty blue green heaven. Hmmm.

And here is the mouth of the Elwha river. It dumps into the Strait of Juan De Fuca. Beyond that - where the clouds are hanging out - is Vancouver Island, Canada.

This water here too is crazy silty. Sure hope they know what they are doing because... ick. This is usually clear and beautiful.

And with Fall, the fall of leaves and the fall of a couple dams come the fall of people drinking beer. OK no. That is a lie. We did not fall, but we did toss down new fall ales. Meh.

And for your shock and to keep you from eating today and maybe beyond (thank me later)... the Faaughll of my pants. Too large. I was doing yard work and they refused to stay on. Size 20 slacks are in the basement too biggie pile.

Big Thanksgiving Relief

2011-11-10T04:48:00.000-08:00

Hiya. So we got some good news. OK let me back up. We are heading to Florida for Thanksgiving. Spending time with all of Mr. Munchberry's family and we will be meeting my brother's new wife. OK, a bit of gossip - I think my brother's wife is or was (maybe?) a virgin. A 52 YO virgin. Tee haw. Should be interesting. My brother usually goes for widows. OK it was EXCLUSIVELY widows until his wife. Maybe I misunderstood and she is a widow. I will find out. Maybe my brother thinks the hymen gets reactivated from non use. Totally in the realm of possibility with my brother.

OK the post. So I HAD been stressing going back. There are quite a few people there who do not like fat people and - well, hello. And they would be doing what I was just doing in the paragraph above. Talking about me. Boo. They camp for Thanksgiving. We usually do too (when we used to do Thanksgiving with them - usually we couldn't because we could not leave the restaurant, but sometimes and after - we could) Anyway, yuck. My husband knows I stress hard over such things. I like to imagine every possible thing that can go wrong or be said or - well you see. Usually none of those things come to pass, but I do not like to be caught off guard (Yep. Nuttier than a jaybird). So he honored my desire to cash in some points and book a first class ticket out there. I was stressing (6 months ago) that I would not fit into the seat of the plane and that I would have to buy an extra seat or get an extender. I am not worried about that now (my stomach has gone down like 10 inches - can you believe that??), but still, he was trying to smooth out my mental wrinkles. Hhe did not want to spend the points, but did. Sincerely big deal for him. And then I did not want to stay at his mom's because she would insist we take her bed and she recently had a hip replacement and that would be nutty and if we did manage to not take her bed, we would have been on a blowup on the floor where the dog seems to poop regularly. Blah. So hubby booked a hotel near his mom's. She would be relieved (but would protest). Then the other day Mr. Munchberry was on the phone with his dad who lives in that town and he said that he and his wife will be out of town the first week we are there. I think Mr. Munchberry was sort of hurt that he did not offer up his house, but his dad does not think that way. So we had the hotel anyway. But then FIL wrote Mr. Munchberry today (Wednesday) and said that his wife said we should stay in the house and cancel the hotel. If only I could tell FIL how good that made Mr. Munchberry feel and - by extension - made me feel. But those sorts of conversations do not work with those from the planet Vulcan.

Why do I mention all this? Well I decided to not stress about Thanksgiving, to let come what may and just go with the flow and try to enjoy. I made the pact as part of Ellen's (Fat Girl Wearing Thin) Moving Mountains Monthly challenge. Ellen is joining me in this quest to simply enjoy what Thanksgiving brings... hence the pact. I thought that I would think of her any time I got the notion to get pissy.

So it was when I sort of let go when this nice offer of the house came our way and made my guy feel loved and well, I cannot help but think it was when I let go that things fell into place without my finagling. My being a low stress partner will allow him to enjoy himself. THE POINT of this whole thing. The whole holiday point.

I am incredibly thrilled because I can go to the grocery store and cook while we are there the first week. Yay! I was wondering how it would go with eating out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Now we can eat mostly at home and take both sets of parents out for a nice evening or two, instead of nightly out out out. I think we are staying with them when we get back from camp too. They will be there so we will get a chance to catch up away from the distractions of camp. And there is a pool! Did I mention there is a pool? I am bringing my bathingsuit. I tried it on. It mashes my FUPA in! Yep, I still have that effing FUPA!

So starting about mid October I was thinking I was going to be all angsty over the trip and you know what - not so much. I won't be tempted by turkey because - well you know - BLAH. No more freaking poultry breasts and I do not do that fattening dark turkey meat. And I do not do stuffing because I think it would trigger a pig fest. So I will be eating salads and will be a happy happy camper!

*And if you did not see the comments from post before. I got to the bottom of Mr. Munchberry's freak comments. It appears he IS at least partially human and worries. I told him wild horses couldn't drag me away from him. He likes it when I put my declarations in the form of a song lyric. THAT he can relate to. So apparently he gets that I am not going anywhere.

Bawk. No More Chicken. & WTH Mr. Munchberry?!

2011-11-08T06:28:00.000-08:00

Did I mention to you in my re-inaugural post that I am sick to my beak and pinfeathers of chicken? Yes, I have those because I have eaten so many blechy chicken breasts lately. The other night while I was already feeling rather sour about what I was having to eat because I had no loving mother to bring me soup and a husband that does not believe in coddling the ill. I was making a chicken caesar and as I chopped the chicken I found myself hacking it. Angrily. Pieces of it landing on the floor and You-Know-Who...

was seizing upon them before I decided to bend down for them. She ate almost1/2 my war bird raw (yes, war bird. The breast weighed 12 ounces. Can you freaking imagine what that bruiser looked like? Dolly Parton of the hen world!). Zoeberty eats birds - raw with feathers and bones OK? Chill. She eats raccoon poop for a treat. The rest I sort of blackened and then I ate grudgingly until I happened upon a bit of cartilage or whatever inhabits the breast that is thoroughly dysfunctional for chewing, swallowing and "yum" production. I spat it out and down the drain went the entire salad (yes, I tossed edible food). Violently. I chipped my beloved "salads only" bowl.

It reminds me of when Teresa (Good Day to Diet) threw eggs out of her kingdom. I read that post of hers and thought (in a french accent for some reason) that she reacted to swiftly in her banishment of oeufs. But the egg in this case came before the chicken and now I TOTALLY get it. For I follow her lead. No mas chicken breasts. I do not care that they are a mere 31 calories an ounce. I would rather chew glass. OK that is dramatic. I would rather gnaw on gristle. Which is what I will be doing. Plus beans. It is Fall. I require beans in Fall. I am also within a hair of dissing carrots. Cooked ones. They make me angry.

Sickness does this to me. First it was lentils and now chicky breasts.

On another note (a final one I promise), Karen over at Waisting Time posted this about whether husbands are happier with their women weighing less than them. I mentioned to her that hubby and I had just discussed that I weighed the same as he weighed when we got married. He seemed all giddy and woo hoo y. When I told him my goal is 168. Like I had not told him that OH 20 times! Annoying non-listener. See he weighs like 174. Meaning I will weigh less. I thought about Karen's question and determined Mr. Munchberry would prefer it. But I now want to amend that. I think he would like it sorta. Why do I amend? Because every once in a while lately (and I may have mentioned it) a crack in his veneer of non jealousy or maybe some weirdness I cannot decipher correctly, but should or maybe should not and should just let it go... Sigh. Well, sometimes he makes these comments about thinner me going out or breaking away. It alternatively irritates me and makes me feel weird or makes me wonder what the hell is going thru his mind. I do not like it. What does he think I am going to do on my journey to Walgreens? Find a hot gent to do with new thinner me? I MARRIED HIM WHILE I WAS THIN! I love him. He is my best friend for crying out loud! I should just let it go, but here we are. Thoughts? I am torn between my initial reaction of telling him that it is rude to insinuate that I might run off or something. And he would say 'I am just playing around": which would really annoy the living shit out of me because I cannot tolerate when people say that. And I am in no mood to mollycoddle him. Yeah, maybe just forgetting it would be best. Yep. I could use thoughts here. As a note on him - he does not lack self esteem. And another note - I do not know when to shut my yap sometimes. I know - stunner! Also, any thoughts on your own "I refuse to eat...!"

Maybe I buried the lead.

Fire Up for Fall Challenge

2011-11-07T06:33:00.000-08:00

After a long time resting in bed and my body turning to jelly I RETURN! Cough.

I did not get to post my surprise. Not cuz I did not want to. I had no will and no voice. Yep. I was going to attempt a video - OK more of a recording of me singing a song I wrote (OK more a parody - so the words are all mine but I made like Vanilla Ice and ripped off the tunes) So I am not quite Milli Vanilli, but I am also not quite Billy Joel. I wanted the video to commemorate my getting to half way to goal weight. The start of the harder part of the draw down. Where I have more ruthless enemies, but fewer weapons in the arsenal. Sorry I have been watching the military channel. Yes, we have such a thing for you non US people reading here today. Old habits die hard... but that is for a different blog.

So that is my news. 1/2 way. I will get to the recording later - when I have some sort of voice. Right now I sound like an old woman who drank too much whiskey, smoked too many cigs and perhaps got rode hard too many times.    Many thanks to those who sweetly wished me well. And a hug... but not a long one because I think I am still catchy.

So the challenge: Welcome to Week 8 Y'all!

   Well this week has been a busy one for me, I hope you've all had a great one
   :) I didn't, but thank you.

   1. What have you done this week to work towards your goals?

I have not done anything. Not one thing. I tried to read, but it made my eyes hurt. I did manage to read about Kim Kardashian. She should keep the ring. He was a putz. Yep. Even I have an opinion on that. OK sorta. Really, I wish both of them would go jump in the lake. I also was not particularly kind to anyone this week. In fact, I was told I was ornery and squawky and I have given a lot of mental middle fingers to even nice people this week. So basically I have undone any niceness I have managed the past month. I did amuse myself. I searched for the animal in the swirl of concrete in both the bathroom ceiling and the bedroom's ceiling. For some reason I find old men and goofy in the swirls. I also hacked up a lung chunk in the shower and it shot across the stall and stuck to the wall like a piece of al dente spaghetti. I declared my lungs done and it made me laugh to gagging. Woo hoo. See? Cranky.

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?
I shaved my legs and armpits and washed my hair and then I went to bed. It felt AMAZING because I had not showered in DAYS and my hair was matted to my head and my breath smelled like cabbage and beans trapped in a jar to ferment for a month. Oh yeah, I brushed my teeth. They had fur on them. It took ALL the strength I had to do those things, but I slept like a baby afterwards. Hair still matted to my head, but it is clean.

3. How important is a social life to you? Are you a loner or a butterfly or somewhere in between?

Social life is pretty unimportant to me. I prefer to be alone. OK, that is not true. Take what I say with a grain of salt for the next week. Or more. LOL I like Mr. Munchberry to always be around, but maybe not in my face. I like for him to be in the house and ready to discuss whatever pops into either of our minds. Which is a lot surprisingly. Mostly inanity so that is good. We like to contemplate our navels here at Casa Munchberry and then put it up for discussion. But other people? I like to email and to go see people, but do not try to raise me on the phone. I curse Thomas Edison. Wait. No he is lightbulbs and telegraphs. I like him. Bell! Blasted jerk! OK I take that back. Tragic figure. Still, don't call me - it is just slightly better (in my book) than showing up on my doorstep unannounced. Yep. LONER.

4. How do you balance life outside your home with healthy living?

Well, technically, life outside my home WOULD be the healthier alternative and a couple days ago Mr. Munchberry told me that Ralph, the guy who had the brain hemorrhage (he is back home now and doing well) - he said Ralph gets out of the house more than I do. Which I dispute vigorously. One, he is forced to because he has doctor appointments and the phyisical therapist makes him get out. If I have something pressing like... fire or carbon monoxide poisoning, I will go out. Until then, I have a fine lair. I did go for a walk to the post box. Nearly killed me.

5. What do you like to do for fun?

I am too embarrassed to tell you the truth. So I will tell you my alternates. I love to hike in the woods and I like to play with my dog and I like to figure out how to do things with a complete blank slate as far as knowledge on how to do it or how it works goes. Understand that? I think it my most male trait. Take it apart, see how it works and then figure what to do with it. I LOVE to do that. But, yeah, you are not going to get my real love out of me. Nope. NEVER! Pryers.

I am too tired to proof read. Mentally make the corrections for me - or print the post out and mark it up with a red pen. Just DON'T call me to tell me I have errors.

Sicko Cougho

2011-11-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

Blah. No post until dark clouds and fog in chest and head move on.

Fire Up For Fall Challenge Week Somethinoruther.

2011-10-31T05:55:00.000-07:00

   1. What have you done this week towards your goals?
I have not been very kind at all this week. In fact, I flipped an old lady the bird. I was also fairly cranky with Mr. Munchberry because the dirty rat insisted on eating these giant chocolate truffles in front of me WHILE in bed so I had to lay there and watch him. I got so mad that I planted a giant fart on him. See? Not kind. But I did manage to amuse myself. So I will call it something of a wash. I did read a lot. I can't remember what else I said I wanted to do. Maybe next challenge I should consider doing some memory exercises.

   2. What have you done to make you feel fabulous?
I have been writing all sorts of lists on a new, niffy, spiffola Peanuts writing pad I got as a gift. I have been thinking of all sorts of lists AND a woman in the fabric store asked where I got the paper. And I got to merrily tell her that I did not know because it was given to me... as in a gift - for me. Woot!

   3. How do you pull yourself out of a slump or prevent yourself falling in to one?
Well, if I find myself in one I like to whine about it for a while, mope around feeling sorry for myself and then mope some more and maybe scream at the dog for no apparent reason and THEN I try to see the positive. I am pretty good at that. I have been in some completely horseshit situations and I find if I can grouse and then find the positive in the situation - no matter how bleak, I can sort of power through it. Sometimes there is an extended grouse period OR times where I give myself a grouse night amid tumult. If I can do that I am good to go! I will note that I will suffer no Polly Annaishness from friends and loved ones while I am busy grousing. I try to ward it off, but sometimes someone gets in some positive what-not while I am busy regaling them with my tale of woe and that just lengthens the grouse period.

4. Are you naturally positive or do you have to work at it? How do you keep yourself positive?

I would say I am down the middle. I prefer to be negative, but I usually feel so upbeat! So I write my negative things in my blog and get a good ol laughachuckle over them (because I do love dark humor) and then I move on. I do get grumbly though. But y'all know that.

5. I'm on Holiday right now, if you could go away anywhere tomorrow (and work wouldn't get weird) where would you go?
Well, first - Teehaw - I am not working. So technically I should be where I would prefer to be as an eternal holiday. Alas, life don't worky that way. So, right now - if I could go anywhere... I might be tempted to go to Key West. I have lots of friends down that a way plus there could be merry making and we could go dive Looe Key (I have been discussing diving with a friend lately, so it is on my mind). Maybe do some fishing. I long to prowl about for a tarpon and to eat dolfin. Dolfin is weird and grey out here. Of course I would have to put on a bathingsuit. Maybe it is best to stay here. I am happy and covered here.

Positive Picture of the week:

Pretty salad made with lots of stuff from the garden (I think we topped it with roasted salmon). Perfect meal.

I have BIG news (for me) tomorrow. I would tell you today, but I do not want to bury the lead. No, I am not pregnant, but I have birthed quite a few fat babies.

I think I took one too many cold tabs.

Oh Yeah, HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEEEENNNNNN!

Noodle Box - Marketing Blunder or Genius?

2011-10-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

Last week when we were in Victoria we happened upon a chain restaurant called Noodle Box. We never went in because well, the place was empty which I take as a sign of ick. But really, I never would have looked in to see the emptiness if it had not been for the incredibly inappropriate sign.

I looked in to see who the hell would eat in a place with a starving person in silhouette as their symbol. Is that something to be associated with... as a restaurant? A place providing nourishment? It looks more like a sign for a charity for those overcome by malnutrition or plague. The top of the head is open. Maybe insinuating that it has been eaten out and when you look in thru the hole you say "By George! That is only fit for a noodle box!" Bleck.

I mean I am no marketing expert, but what is the point? Eat here and you will pick up some sort of worm that will ravage your body, eat up all your stores and you too can look fit for a an X-SM casket? Eat here, our food is so terrible that you will not eat it and eventually, after many nights sitting here you will look like a refugee? Really. Someone enlighten me.

What is next in the marketing world? Mc Downercow? They could have a bloated dead cow with crazy eyes crossed with a human with swiss cheese brain! Yum!

Someone needs a new ad (wo)man.

What Have I Been Up To You Ask?

2011-10-26T12:50:00.000-07:00

I KNEW you were wondering. Well, last night I spend some time conducting an experiment on Mr. Munchberry. I tried to make him yawn without him knowing I was mind controlling him. Apparently the guy is a freaking Vulcan. Is it Vulcans that can't be mind controlled but CAN be melded? I should ask Ellen (Fat Girl Wearing Thin). Apparently folks who do all things trecky gather in her village. She cannot find a good pair of jeans there, but she can acquire a phaser at a moment notice. Handy wouldn't you say?

OK not mind control - more like subliminal messaging. Mr. Munchberry tries to do mind control with me - to great effect sometimes. Too bad he cannot mind control my eating. Speaking of -- you know what he did? He trotted out his left over birthday cake right in front of me and gobbled it down greedily and even "mmm"ed. Effer.

What else have I been doing? I have been harvesting the last vestiges of our crops. I laugh at the description of what we have as being "crops". More like seeds we put out and later they turned into stuff that we eventually got really tired of eating, but will miss eating in a couple months. Plus kiwi.

Cold weather has set in here. OK not Great Lakes in the winter cold, but a chill. Overnight (I am not exaggerating) the trees have turned all manner of gold and red and the tomatoes, pole beans and all other fruits and veggies we have around the yard because we have run out of "Pickum" gas are within a fairy's breath of (or have crossed into) the rot stage. Result: lots and lots of tomatoes (mostly green), pears and some peaches (little guys). And what does one do with things besides fry them in corn meal and lard or pile them into a cobbler? Why, you experiment with their ripening AND you make relish and chutneys and you grill and broil the fruit until they are threatening to fall apart and sizzle wildly under their skins. Then you gobble them up and burn the roof of your mouth to the point that all that is left are these little threads of skin dangling... which are curiously distracting to your tongue. You eventually tongue roll them off and - become a cannibal because you swallow the skin instead of spitting it out. That is Fall for you: Cannibalism, gorging, rotting.

I am also working on a sewing project. I am so excited. I mentioned my excitement earlier this week, but I am STILL excited. It is nothing too exciting for a normal human. I am not going to tell you what it is because it is dirty. LOL OK not true. But now I have planted that idea in your head and I loathe to go about fixing it. Let me just say it involves a dog, happiness and some thick roping for hoisting and hauling.

I MAY also dig out my giant wok I bought like 6 years ago for the purposes of making a quasi chandelier for the eat in area of the kitchen that we use as a place to put on our tennies, stack our orphan things like car keys, down stairs towels and over sized bowls and the place I sit to tease the dog if she is out on the back porch giving me the stink eye for being outside while we are cozily ensconced in the house.

Yeah, this is a non-topic post. But a long one. So, I am still in keeping with my blogs character. Man my blog is really starting to look like a series of emails I send to my sister. No WONDER she pretends not to be able to retrieve her mail. I am so on to that bitch.

Bra Goes UNDER the Top.

2011-10-25T04:40:00.000-07:00

The other day I was reading another lovely blog where the writer lamented her leaving her zipper undone and then parading out in public with it down. Click her to read her charming musings: That's Me with the Zipper Down

Hole I rubbed b/w legs of pants

You can imagine how I related to that. I am sure I have told most everyone reading this that I have done or worn something in public which should, by all rights, render me to ashamed to venture back into the light of day again. I have giant holes between my legs (see left) (pant legs - yes, yes, I have other holes there - hardy har ). I wear clothes inside out (usually tops, but I have worn pants with the tag aiming out... "Oh she's an XXXL. She hides it well". I know someone has said that and to that woman I say "Bitch!" Yes, I know it was a woman, because men do not generally look at me and certainly don't eye my belt region. I usually can get away with inside out top because I have long hair which covers most of the top and certainly covers the tag. I think I have told someone the story of my wearing the blue heel and the black heel to work. Totally par for my life course.

But the other day I did it AGAIN. I am pretty sure this is twice now. At least twice. Anyway, the story.

So Mr. M and I went out for a walk. We went a long way and through an entire neighborhood because we were looking for a girl who was missing and last seen in the neighborhood in which we were walking. I had to go look. Anyway, when we got to the park I was sweating. I was wearing an Old Navy fleece hoody and a top underneath and I was dying. So I asked Mr. Munchberry to help me get the sweater off (my shoulder has decided it does not like to be torqued or moved around over head). Well, he KNOWS my shoulder likes to come out of my socket, but he yanks at me like I was a misbehaving child. He yanked up my my sweater AND my top before I could stop him and consequently I screamed and jerked my arm and kanked my shoulder. I was so mad because I didn't know exactly how much of me he exposed, but I could FEEL the cold air on my belly and he managed to get the sweater partially over my head. There I stood there thrashing trying to get it off and the blouse down and sorta whining and yelping. If there were people in earshot, they looked. So sweater off I had a chance to consider my situation. My situation was my bra was on the outside of my top. Yes. You read that right. Blouse next to skin, bra on top.

I woke up early that morning and my shoulder was frozen in the down position so I could not lift my arm to get my PJ top off. It happens. So I just moved on. I put my bra on over my top. I do this. Usually it is over a tank top and it is because I want to have a sweat barrier underneath my boobs. But today it was feebleness. It was really early. It was dark I had no help with the dressing portion of my day. I WAS the misbehaving child! Anyway, I forgot I had done that. It was like 12 hours post dress. The thing is - there I was out on the street with my bra over my top and my husband did not notice. HOW the HELL can that be? This is the guy who has vowed to me no less than 300 times to tell me if my nipples are wonky under a knit top. HOW can he detect nipple wonk if he cannot notice bra over top? I shudder.

Do you know how fast I got that sweater back on? And I moved my arm in all sorts of directions! Embarrassment inexplicably dulls pain. But I was so hot SOOOO hot by now. We sat on the curb while I cooled down and grumbled about my situation. Mr. Munchberry turns to me interrupting my whine and says "Did you notice that the brown house - all the wood is gone. They had like 10 cords" Is anyone appreciating what is going on here? Bra on top - no notice, wood missing from home a mile away from our home and he is transfixed.

Did I tell you nobody with a Y chromosome looks at me?

Sigh.

RIP Jennifer Pimentel. Sweet, trusting girl who loved dogs and would never hurt a sole.

Fire Up for FALL! Challenge

2011-10-24T09:34:00.000-07:00

I just want to say I have rocked the challenge casbah this week Sharif!

I have not, however, won any awards for perfect eating. I had a rough weekend because it has been party central for Mr. Munchberry. Our friend had a party for him. Much champagne was imbibed, other wines and a homemade ice cream cake made by said friend that was so freaking good. Anyway, she made him some of the most thoughtful gifts and her brother made him cards and well, it brings tears to eyes thinking of how damn lucky we are to have such people in our lives.

1) What did I do towards accomplishing my challenge goals this week?

Despite this merrymaking, I did make like a crazy girl with my challenge goals. I read a PILE of books, rummaged though innumerable books and magazines and picked out a handful of sewing and knitting things that I am thrilled to be starting. I am going to the fabric store to pick out stuff for two projects tomorrow and I am so freaking excited! I started a new "Books" page on the blog so people can see what I am reading bookwise. If you want to know what I thought about a book I will try to remember. LOL On the kindness front, let's just say I have been more on the receiving end of that little bit of sweet karmic action, so it has been with great pleasure to dole it out. Thank you to Teresa for initiating it. And I have, as usual, found more ways than the normal person to amuse myself this week. I attribute this ease to my simple mind. Woot for the simple minded folk!

2) What did I do to make myself feel fabulous?
I wore a sweater on Friday to the party that was so tight on me last winter I could not wear it. Luckily it is in perfect fashion for this year (A color block sweater with a cute cowl). I felt fabulous. The jeans - too big and ugly tapered to the ankle variety. Ah well, not all can be perfect. Plus side - my legs no longer rub together when I walk. Which means I am so freaking happy I could fall to the floor and bask in the glory of no heat rash between the legs.

3. Do you listen to music when you work out? What gets you fired up?
I do listen to music. Rock and some other music that I am too embarrassed to admit I listen to. Yes, I will describe my periods and ass hair, but I will not discuss secret music. I WILL say that "Someone left the cake out... in the rain..."

4. What's your guilty pleasure music? How does it make you feel?
I sometimes like to listen to musical CD's. I have lots of them. I sing along. One of my best memories I have with one of my nieces is when she was at my house and I was dancing and whisking her around in the air and teaching her songs from "Sound of Music". I am still her nutty aunt.

5. If today were a song what song would it be?
Well, all days in my world would and are "Big, Blonde and Beautiful" sung by the glorious Queen Latifah in the musical "Hairspray". I sing it A LOT. Loudly... with gusto. There simply is no other way to sing it.

And for your listening pleasure: BIG! BLONDE! & BEAUTIFUL!!

And I want to end this post today by directing you to a post by a lovely woman named Hanlie on her blog "Ordinary Abundance". Love, Acceptance and Weight Loss.

Have a blessed day!

I Am Going on a ME FAST!

2011-10-21T07:19:00.000-07:00


I wanted to be him when I was 8 or so.

First, thank you for each and every comment yesterday because it got me thinking and doing.

I have decided that I need a change up in my focus and life. That I sorta already had laid out. But I think I need sort of a mind shift for a while. I told you that I wanted to do all my other things I love, but the truth is that I am a little scared to veer too far off my road of weight loss and the day that I make for myself because - well, it has worked and I have been essentially happy with how it is going and my general life. But life will not and cannot forever and ever be about me and my body. I have made it so. I wake, I weigh, I write it, I track my food, I exercise and I think about my my my my me me me... It is the last part. BLAH! But shiver me timbers I am not sure I can do it without being a self centered toad! Dilemma.

So as I have said a lot lately (at least to myself) "Baby Steps M". For a week and then I will evaluate: I am going to whittle down the All About Weighty Me time and make more enrichment of me time that is not about my plan. I am going on a fast of sorts. No more talking about my diet or my fat or my pants or any other thing having to do with weight loss with poor hubby or girlfriends who are not losing weight or non blog friends. If they bring it up, I will change the subject. I am also not going to discuss my loose skin with hubby anymore OR scream out when I look down and see my thigh folding over on itself. I did that on the toilet the other night and scared my clearly better half out of his wits and out of a deep slumber. Selfish selfish and I cannot bear myself!

And I am taking a break with the self analyzing until it strikes me to do it again. Sometimes the mood must strike or you must hit upon something. That usually happens to me when I read someone's blog and a light bulb blinks on above my head.

Bright side this week (which also marks 1/2 year of working the plan): I am very close to being in normal sized clothing. I wore my size 16 W Levi's today and they were sorta loose. On the other hand my stomach seems to be bloated like I have a barrel of jello stashed in there. Bleck. Can you see why I do not need to be discussing it?

Ebbs and Flows of Weight Loss

2011-10-20T11:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just want to work my eating plan, get some exercise and not think about my issues with eating. I do not want to write down anything involving emotional eating, I do not want to try to will my obsession with buttered popcorn away by playing mind games with myself. Really, sometimes I just don't give a shit about the whys and wherefores of my addictions, I just want to accept that they exist and move the hell on.

Yep, you guessed it. I am in such a mood today. Have been the last week or so - maybe longer, not sure. That is why I have set the 100 Days of Weight Loss book aside for now. I look at it and just roll my eyes or get grumpy. I think I like to refer to it in my head at least as my no nonsense time. Which is my code word for I feel grumpy and curmudgeony. Or maybe it really is just no nonsense. Not sure. Who cares. My point is that I do not wish to discuss any emotional aspects or reasons for feelings on anything to do with weight or eating. I just want to eat within my range, go outside and get some fresh air and gather supplies to weave some baskets, do enriching things like play my guitar or work on my knitting project (a baby sweater). I just sit around and read magazines about canning and chicken keeping then look out my window at the changing of the season. I need down time from being a person who has eating problems.

There you have it. There is only so much me I can take. Am I alone in such feelings?

Blog On FIRE Award!

2011-10-19T10:20:00.000-07:00

Yellow Bloggerinas. Today I pass on an award I received - well - a while ago from Rebecca over at Weight Wars. Thank you Rebecca! It is so awarding to be acknowledged by your blog kin! Go check out her blog!

The Award is for blogs that are on fire!

And part of this is to reveal 7 things about yourself, but since I waited a very long time to pass this sucker on I will give you 3 bonus facts for free.

1) I do not like raw mushrooms, but adore them cooked.
2) I would NEVER accept the smell of canned tuna in fresh tuna, but I find the smell of canned oddly comforting.
3) I am obsessed with garbanzo beans
4) I like to eat certain foods out of certain cups and bowls.
5) I refuse to drink low calorie beer. It tastes what I imagine piss to taste like - plus carbonation. Fave bottled beers right now Sierra Nevada Pale Ale and Anchor Steam, but up my way it is beer central so I wing it a lot while out and about. In fact there is a barrel aged beer made by Deschutes (regional) and it is the BOMB! I actually like pretty much anything Deschutes puts out! Can't wait to get back to Bend! My hubby makes freaking amazing beer. This Fall he is making me a chocolate beer. Protein my friends!
6) I barfed up a lentils, spinach and salmon combo about a year and a half ago. Since then I have zero problem eating salmon and spinach (I think spinach was the culprit - man I was crazy barfy), but the very sight of lentils induces the gag reflex. I have to avert my eyes when looking at Progresso Soup cans.
7) I do not like noodles in my soup, but I will eat a dumpling. Gladly.
8) My husband knew we were meant for one another when he took me fishing, I caught a spanish mackerel and he removed it from the hook, slapped it down on the cooler, fileted it while it was still flopping about, cleaned it off with a beer then reached into the cooler for some wasabi and soy, flunked the fish into them and I squealed with delight as I gobbled down more than my share (Obviously he did not consider that last bit an omen).
9) Of all the things I miss from food life Side A, bread baking is the most missed.
10) What I ate on Mr. Munchberry's birthday: (Shared) Carpaccio served on a bed of arugula topped with shaved fennel, parmigiano reggiano , extra virgin olive-oil, cracked black pepper and lemon , A (Shared) salad composed of portabella mushroom in a focaccia crumb and herb crust, oven baked with garlic butter, prosciutto, sun-dried tomatoes and pine nuts. Sliced and tossed with baby spinach, crispy capers and balsamic vinegar (highlight of the meal), and seared venison tenderloin scaloppini, sour cherries, pickled ginger, balsamic vinegar and green peppercorns. Served with roasted squash cannelloni. A weird combo, yes - but so freaking good. I did not finish it obv. Mr. Munchberry had their dijon crusted rack of Australian lamb with roasted shallots, rosemary and demi-glace. Served with Tuscan white beans, kalamata olives and stewed tomatoes. Washed it down with an Italian wine.

And to pass the love on... I select the girl who has walked over a steaming and hissing bed of coals to keep her path of losing weight and getting healthy... a lovely lovely woman whom I much admire and whose writing talents I appreciate beyond blog award words...

This special person IS Teresa over at Today is a Good Day to Diet. I hope she revels in her awardiness.

She deserves it because the lady is en fuego!

Fire Up for Fall Challenge

2011-10-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

Questions:

1. What have you done this week to achieve your goals?
Amuse myself - I do not suggest amusing yourself at the border crossing. Especially going North.
Sewing knitting room and projects - I have done nothing on this account except for talk.
Reach out to others - Yup. Plenty of opportunity because we were on the loose in Canada!
Dent the bookpile - Finished three books from my pile so far and have read 2 small books from the library!
Find the positive/be the positive - Mixed results on this. I was fussy twice while in Canada. Both times about sustenance. My husband kept asking me if something was on my diet and got coffee for me and had the gall to put lofat milk in it (BLAH!). So I was the not the picture of positive

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? I wore a gorgeous blouse for my husband's birthday and I felt like a million bucks. I sort of felt like my husband MAY have thought he had a hot wife.

3. It's half way through the challenge, you can change 1 or more of your goals (max of 3) if you want to....what are you going to do and why?
Nope. No changes.

4. What's your worst bad habit and have you ever tried to tackle it? Do you want to?

Asking my husband loaded questions like "What is my worst bad habit?" ~Snicker snicker.

5. Fun Time: Would you rather have Burgers for feet or Sausages for Fingers?

What? Neither!

Kindness: Yep. Had a good kindness week. I was out and about a lot so the opportunities were plentiful and varied. PLUS, I watched my husband be very kind towards someone who was being positively wretched and it turned that person around from their terribleness. A lovely thing to see with so little effort.

Talking Myself Out of Eating.

2011-10-14T06:20:00.000-07:00

I had another post lined up for today but Karen and Jane woke me up to a more important thing that is going on with me. No, they do not know this. They never do.

I have no real insight, no real answers and frankly I struggle with talking myself out of eating things I truly want (either at the time or something I have written in that blasted little notebook I have been keeping to stop myself from giving into eating something right at the moment - You should see the crazed henscratch in that bugger!).

This past week I wrote in passing about avoiding pastry and candy and sort of glossed over it, but sincerely it was troublesome and with each and every time I denied something or told myself I would have it later it seemed that the urge to eat it was building and that maybe I was eating other things so as not to eat the one thing I wanted... that was sitting in the next room waiting for me. Plus I had a really good reason to console myself with a croissant - or so I said to myself. I needed sustenance for being strong for my friend! I needed an outlet! I was tired and eating something good for me was going to make me even more tired. I lay awake in bed thinking I could just go down the damn hall and grab it. I put the suitcase in front of the door. FEEB. I did not eat what I wanted. It left me drained really. Not energized and I thought "I want that!". Lordy, I am tired of that. And "I cannot stop thinking of that". I am tired of that too. Karen wrote that same thing in a comment when I got home. I pondered it.

This weekend I had my mouth and mind set on eating a fried pig's head done in the French tradition with a lovely celeraic remoulade holding hands with it at its side (Brasserie Le'Ecole - Sigh). OH the fanciful dreams I have had about gnawing away at it. AND then moving on to confit of duck legs (the head was just the opening act). Really. Sincerely. I have generated enough digestive juices in my mouth just thinking about those two things to fully dissolve a fully hide cladded calf.

But today, here I am getting ready to go on my wonderful little trip. My sojourn. My celebration of a life of someone I adore beyond all reason and I sit at my desk licking my damn chops AND talking myself down from said meal. Somewhere, once again, my adored one - whose birthday it is, his day is being hijacked by my other adored one. My not so secret lover from my past. It stops right now. I am Changing Trains!

I am not having that dumb pig's head or the duck. They are consuming me and I am not concentrating on the more important thing - Mr. Munchberry (WTF?). I am pretty sure he would not enjoy that I am using him as an excuse to eat. So. I will pick something reasonable, enjoy a nice meal. Celebrate the Old Timers dip into Old Manatude and let the teeth nashing come to a close. I will consider this blog entry as my sub for the notebook... which, honestly, is not me. This is.

Shrinky Pictures

2011-10-13T04:00:00.000-07:00

Proof is in the FUPA puddin'! Please enjoy my pretty and festive cotton undies while you can because these are quickly getting too baggie to wear! But I post these not to brag. I post these because I think weight comes off on some of us so freaking slowly that we do not really notice. We forget how those pants that now fit only a few months ago we were tugging like the bejeezus just to get them to just below our big ol' buttertards! So here we are: First set were taken 7/28/11. I weighed 257.2 and was in the midst of an unholy plateau. The pic is of me trying on size 18W Lands End jeans. I am 5'10":

A side note: When I first started on this little adventure I could not get these suckers over my knees. I was so depressed over the state of my body that I did not dare take a picture. Plus I would have had to get all huffy and puffy to get the picture. Everything was a physical chore!

OK moving on to the here(ish) and now (ish). I took these pictures last week I think, yes - 10/7/11 at 234.8 pounds. That is 22.4 pounds off my poor beleaguered frame.Yes, I still have my FUPA and my stomach seems to stick out further than my ass. Such is life. it used to be way worse. if I were younger, people would have been sending me congrats cards for the impending birth of my twins.

Yes. I know I should brush my hair. Oh and some nice news. The last 7 or so pounds... well a lot of that has come off my face and neck. My jowls are pretty much gone and my turkey gobbler is really a lot smaller. I paint a pretty picture, no?

OK darlings. Never forget: It may be slow and you may not see huge changes to get excited about day to day or week to week but OVER TIME with your eye on the prize, you WILL lose weight.

I am BACK!

2011-10-12T13:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the put off my bloggy friends. I had something I had to attend to in real life. I am fine, I just had a friend who needed me and blogging was not gonna be happening. But here I am home again and so happy to be back to normalish life.

One note before I begin. I am thinking for many reasons, but mostly prompted by recent events, of trimming my blogging days to three days per week. One, I am really tired right now and sort of fussy and I think I need the down time. Two, I have a busier schedule right now. I am getting ready to start some classes, I have been neglecting my guitar and I have some new chores right about now that I need to focus on. That all adds up to me needing to do this less. BUT I will be doing it. BUT somethings godda give. Not sure on the days. This week I will be unavailable on Friday, but I am going to try to bank a post. Maybe. Right now my mind is completely blank. I am sleep and idea deprived.

But I do want to talk about these past few days and my eating. BOY oh BOY have I been fighting staying on plan. But, I have this little mini goal of getting to 231 (my half way point) in mind and when I have my heart pinned on something I often fight like hell to keep going. And so it has been. I have been surrounded by candy and danish and bagels for a week now. PLUS drinks (and I have needed a few and have had them) which usually bends my resolve and I might, just might fall off the wagon. BUT I didn't. BUT let me tell you the crazed and dogged concentration it has taken not to fall of the wagon has caused me lots of stress and maybe a little bit of frustration and general fussiness. So much so that THAT was making me even more fussy when I could ill afford to be concentrating on me. So I set it aside for today.

Today, I am going to get it out of my system. Go scream into a pillow, go cry in the shower, go for a long walk and tell myself nice things about myself... something to get over it. I was on such a high and now - BLAH. Then I am going to hit the hay early and wake up to my old self.

Oh so the calories etc. I opted to eat nearly nothing for the last few days. So consequently I am down to 231.8. .8 to go to get to the half way point. Not sure those are real calories lost. But there you have it. I intend to get back on my normal 1500 or less of healthy food and then Friday and Saturday and maybe Sunday will probably be pretty bad calorie days as we are doing an extended party for Old Mr. Munchberry's birthday. He does not look a day over 30! Then right back on my 1500 or less. That is the plan.

Bright side is we will be getting a good amount of exercise and will be having some down time to decompress some. Frankly, I do not want to go (which is totally normal for me because I am Miserable Munchberry before going anywhere), but once we are on the ferry and on our way to utter happiness and the potential of eating a fried pigs head my tune will quickly change. Yes, I am a total freak. I like to stress having fun and bring everyone down only to get unreasonably excited about eating a pig head and drive my loved one (ahem, singular) nutso with my excitement. Plus I have to buck the hell up and shut my yap or I will ruin perfectly wonderful times planned for the Old Fart.

So, tomorrow back to normal Munchberry. I will also catch up with everyone then.

If you wrote me a note, thank you and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I will see you tomorrow!

Until Wednesday

2011-10-10T11:07:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends,

I am not blogging on my challenge today. But I will be back Wednesday with a new blog post. I have a personal thing I have to take care of, but think I will be back Wednesday in time to post.

Munchberry.

Perspective

2011-10-07T10:44:00.000-07:00

One thing about being a fat girl getting thinner by the the day (thank you very much) is that I think we appreciate things about our body more and are more accepting of things on our body more than we might have if we had always been thin.

The other night I found myself fretting. I was worrying (because I like to worry) about what I will look like without 130 off pounds of fat propping up and puffing out my various parts. That I will eventually look like an old, wrinkly, used up balloon. That all the fat in my face that has allowed me to look young all these years will be gone and I will be left with nothing but a wind blown, sun damaged, and at this point, nearly seedless grape.

I usually do not do that sort of thinking (because...WHY!?) but I happened to get a glimpse of my legs when I bent down (very easily I might add) to get my hairbrush from the floor and looked in to see the skin on my legs in a trillion lines over my knee and up my leg. Blah. It was nearly the same revolted feeling I got when I looked at myself in the mirror about ten years ago. I was outside with a hand mirror plucking my damn chin whiskers. I put the mirror on my lap to grab my tea and when I looked down there was some evil gargoyle staring back at me.

Anyway, I snapped out of it pretty quickly this time. Because after I sat down and pondered the state I had put my body in, I snapped back into reality. I am fixing it. I LOVE being 234.8 because it looks and feels a helluva lot better than 295! When I slip into my size 18's and they are loose as can be and I catch an image of myself in them from the side I MARVEL at how much my stomach has gone down and how awesome I look. I have like 20 moments like that every day. My stomach is not hanging over when I pee so I can see in the toilet. I can look down and see my toes (but not my crotch, but one day I will!). I can bend down and tie my shoes without suffocating. I can start to see my collarbone! I fit on the toilet right. I can lay on my back to sleep and not get suffocated by my boob fat. My knees hurt at night from my knee caps hitting (weird, bring on the fake puffy pillow - so much better than fat puff). My extra chin is disappearing. My wedding ring actually slid onto my finger the other day. That made me cry with happiness. I could not wear it (too tight still), but I am SO close. And for all these things I am exceedingly thrilled. I am busting out happy and, frankly, I don't give a shit if things don't look as good as they would have if I had only minded my weight. It is what it is and what it is I love. I never would have appreciated those small things if I never lost the ability to do them.

So, this weekend your exercise will be to banish those negative thoughts you have about yourself and your body. Just for the weekend - just give yourself a break and see how it feels. Instead, appreciate how far you have come and how glorious it feels to look like you do, feel like you do (inside and out) and high five yourself for the strong will that has gotten you to this point. You can do ANYTHING!

Happy Friday and have a great weekend my friends. Love and appreciate what you have.

Munchberry

Exercise Update

2011-10-06T11:09:00.000-07:00

A while back I said I was going to stop calling myself lazy and simply start adding in some exercise. No more moaning. I also decided to join Beerab in 2 days a week of weights.

So. Have I been doing it or has radio silence connoted that less than stellar behaviors are afoot?

I am happyish to report I have been... better than I was.

I have been doing elastics weights with my arms mostly because my shoulder has been so terrible and I have HAD to work it. I am losing muscle tone in that arm and it scares me. So I have been working it and have had some mildly good effects - meaning I can move my arm a little more and I feel a sense of accomplishment, but my arms are still pools of goopy flesh covered with mottled leather. MMM. I paint a pretty picture.

I have been a lot better at moving it. I have not gotten to the point where I am pounding it out on the elliptical every day. I will have all winter to do that. I have, instead been tricking myself into intensity outdoors. I run up the hill to talk to my friend (instead of call) and then run up the hill to get apples (neighbor's tree every day, one at a time) and then run up and down the hill to go to the library (sometimes because it is raining and I am wearing my new boss tennies). I have also been running up and down the stairs and up and down the hill in our back yard (not insignificant) and heaving around yard stuff (but only with my right arm). I find I get seriously winded at least 4 times per day. Usually it involves me running around the neighborhood or chasing the dog like I am going to attack her. Which I find very interesting because I have never ever attacked her but she believes whole heartedly that I will. Mr. Munchberry, on the other hand, does not pretend to attack her, he simply attacks her. The two of them scare me.

I have also been walking a LOT around the neighborhood in search of good deeds and kindness... which is surprisingly. I usually happen upon good deeds and kindness, but this week has been dry. And what else - I have played tennis. Not a ton, but a couple times since I mentioned it last.

So I would say it is not amazing strides, but more of a tippy toe into exerciseland.

An update on a story I told you:
Sgt. Shultz (Shultzy Falls Down, Shultzy Eats Doggy Treats). He is still falling. He went to the hospital the other day via ambulance (Mr. Munchberry and I were out for the day so they had to call the ambulance). Relatedly, The guy who I do not like who wanted me to drink a margarita... remember him? Well, Shultzy's mom (who is in her 90's) called him to pick up her son at the hospital. So he did. And what did Shultzy say when he got in the car? "We really were scraping the bottom of the barrel when we had to call you for a ride home". Oh Shultzy. Funny old bastard.

And a side note:

And finally, I was super pissed the other day just after a moment of complete bliss. I stood under the fig tree and filled my stomach with the most gloriously ripe figs as the sun shone on my face and heated my balding scalp. When I had my fill I toddled up the hill and slid into my chair at the desk and looked up calories for figs so I could record them and it turned out I had like 600 calories in figs. FIG!

100 Days of Weight Loss with Linda Spangle - Day 19

2011-10-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

Eat Reasonable Amounts

I still look at this and say "NO WAY!"

This is one of my biggest issues. Portion distortion. I am not sure when it started, but I can tell you when it slipped out of the bounds of any reality. When we had the restaurant. I started out a thin girl and when we sold it and sailed off I was a porker's delight. I ate at the restaurant every night. Full meals. I often also ate a full lunch and every so often breakfast. What did that involve? Salad (usually with lots of dressing and homemade buttery croutons), rice (made with veggies and lots of oil and butter) or potato (always loaded) and meat: either - Fish 10 oz, filet mignon 8 oz, NY strip 12 oz or Queen cut prime rib 16 oz. Sometimes I ate Mexican (a chimichanga, fish tacos or fajitas). I usually ate this at around midnight. Yeah... Blah. But I had a good metabolism. I would eat the entire thing. Lunch was usually a hot sandwich with fries or Mexican. I cleaned my plate. Breakfast was usually something I scrounged as I passed through the kitchen like homefries or grits with sausage gravy. Maybe two helpings. Always carbs and I finished it all.

That carried through to when I travelled for work. I ate out for lunch and dinner 6 times per week. Cleaned my plate.

When we stopped working I was at a loss with what to do with myself so I decided to cook and eat everything I set before us. Sometimes twice. Always full plates each go round.

Now even today I want a full plate. When I make a salad I leave it in my big silver mix bowl. I have just recently (like within the past few weeks) put an end to that nonsense. A salad gets plated. I make a smaller salad. Chicken gets weighed and I do not crowd my food on a smaller plate than our old ones. I just have to get used to not seeing vast quantities of food on my plate,

When I first embarked on my weight loss journey I had to remind myself of what a portion was. What a small apple was. What a half cup of veggies looked like. It startled me. Now I weigh my meat otherwise I will try to trick myself into believing 8 ounces is actually 6 - even though in real life my eye for amounts is pretty spot on if need be, I can make bread by eyeing the amounts.

And that is what Linda suggests. Weigh your food and memorize what that looks like and how much a serving looks like. Pour what you think is a half cup of pasta onto a plate, then get out the measuring cup and see how you did with eyeing it. If you get a snack of nuts and know how many calories are in an ounce (your snack size) - do you know how many nuts that is approx? Estimate it then weigh it. Then count it out and then you'll know. It is the mental fudging that will get you. You know you do it. Everyone does. When I bartended we free poured. BUT I would do my first shot of the night in a shot glass. I made everyone do it to recalibrate. If you don't the shot count gets longer and longer and before you know it you are pouring a double. Well, it happens when you eye food, so be sure to check your eye on occasion. If you don't have a scale, use your palm. Get used to knowing what say - a portion of nuts looks like in your hand.

Exercises:

Weigh or measure whatever you eat today. Ahead of weighing estimate how much it is. Use your normal amounts that you eat.
Repeat that exercise until estimate and reality match.
Write down what your ideal serving size is and have it somewhere handy.

What is a portion?

100 Days of Weight Loss with Linda Spangle - Day 18

2011-10-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

Retrain eating habits.

This is me leaving behind my beloved beans from a salad.

Carrying on from the other day Day 17 with the struggle to overcome the notion that we must eat everything on our plate. Today we are working once again on how to train ourselves to toss food in the garbage rather than down our gullets - turning it into a giant belly (see header to the blog) and then eventually just down the toilet.

In order to relieve the anxious feelings of leaving food on your plate Linda suggests trying leaving only a tiny bit and then more and more. Each time we toss the food, the anxiety should ease. We will theoretically get used to it. I am going to trust her on that. I clearly need to do it more consistently because it bothers me. You will want to then progress to leaving the food behind at the restaurant. Ahem. I have to go lie down and return to this post after I have had a glass of wine and a lie down.

OK much better.

She wants us to do this because as we all know (and I can confirm to you) restaurant food is LOADED with calories.

Exercises:

Think about all the people who told you you needed to clean your plate, every restaurant waiter that gave you a look (ahem - I never gave anyone a look but I feel pissed as I shoveled expensive and delicious food into the can). Now tell yourself that all those people can just shove it, that you are the boss of you and boss says in the trash it goes and to go stuff it if they don't like it! (OK Linda was nicer - she said tell yourself the messages no longer apply - but I like my version better)

In your journal (or a piece of paper or in your blog...) Write down your never clean your plate rules. I am so-so on this, but I will do it.

One new message may be (for you) never clean your plate. Instead take care of your body and health and then go out and try to find a way to help others. - OK I am not going to make that my message. At home I am working on only cooking what I need. If I am satisfied, I will toss it. I will give myself permission to - for my health.

I am so-so on this day's message. Anyone else not feeling it? I could have skipped it I guess, but it was worth exploring and so many of you share this issue. I wonder what you think.

Fired Up for Fall Wk3 AND 30 Days of Kindness

2011-10-03T08:51:00.000-07:00

I had a stupendous week! Not only did I lose a little bit of weight, but I made some headway on the challenge. I am adding the 30 days of Kindness to this challenge. It fits in perfectly with my challenge which is mostly about being kind anyway. I am trying to do one kind act per day unless I rack up a couple in a day, then the pressure is off! I am not including Mr. Munchberry, my sister or close friends since they already get the kindness automatically.

Yokay, down to biz. Questions for the week:

1. What have you done this week to help get to your goals?

Amuse myself - I thought it would be amusing to bushwhack to the river and it was only amusing because I got lost and had a very amusing(ed) friend with me and a muddy dog.
Sewing knitting room and projects - I have my sewing room picked up but not organized, got all the knitting stuff corralled, ironed some newish fabric and outlined an idea for some aprons and ornaments! Woot!
Reach out to others - see kindness section at bottom!
Dent the bookpile - finished "Packing for Mars" Loved it! and I made a dent in the other two books which I believe I can have done by next week!
Find the positive/be the positive - I have been very glass half full all week with Mr. Munchberry and I think he may be recovering from his funk. AND I have gone out of my way to be encouraging to a friend about her dad who is rather ill. No advice, just listening and trying to find the bright side. Sorta harder than it sounds because I feel like I should be doing something proactive, but I think she prefers me to just be a hugging and loving friend. I also got to tell Mrs. Anosmia that she would have been an ideal candidate for the space program since she could not smell the BO. She was amused I think. So that hits TWO challenge goals!

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

I have tried on all of my winter clothes. To my surprise I was able to fit into some things I would not be able to wear this season and the season has just begun! Hi Five to me! I tried on a pair of brown cords that fit pretty well. When I got them up I noticed that I had tried them on before (maybe last year or the year before?) and that I ripped the belt loop from the pants! Another pair of pants for the sewing pile.

3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

I see myself thinner! I see myself at my goal weight and happily maintaining and being a sage maintainer blogger! Woot! I will probably live in the same place and, God willing, Mr. Munchberry and I will be healthy and just crusin' right along in Happiville. Only big downer is our dog will probably be dead. No, that is not a goal!

What are your goals?

Weight loss, happiness, kindness, health, more friends to love.

Ambitions?

I ambition to keep retired! C'mon Stock Market!

4. Give us a tip or a fact. About anything, what is something great you've heard that everyone should know? If you eat a hard boiled egg you will barely poop out a rabbit pellets worth of poop because it is one of the most fully digested and used food known. And your body stops creating sebum after 5 days of no washing.

5. Fun Question: What was your most recent dream that you can remember?
I had a dream that I was diving and a sea lion came up on me in the kelp and attacked me. I dream of sea lions a little too frequently. I wonder what that means. They are never nice. I will probably dream about them tonight because we have "Secrets in the Sound" on TV and guess what just came on the damn screen! That is what reminded me. That and Mr. Munchberry said "I know who is going to be fighting off sea lions in her sleep tonight!" He is not getting the kind treatment for 24 hours now. I wield kindness! Bwahaha. OK maybe only 20 minutes of no kindness. I haves my limits!

30 Days of Kindness:

I paid a visit to my anosmia friend and sniffed her yard and house. Her house stunk. I could not find the source (I am a super smeller). I am going back today after I get back from kindness mission 3 which is practicing English with non English speakers. Chewy is also doing it, but I wonder about this with her because she cannot understand Zen Master who is French and has been here like 30 years. Should be interesting. Oh what was Kind act #2 you ask? I not only packed up my clothes for Goodwill, but I took them down there. I am usually great at the first part. I like to drive around with them in the car for a month or so, let them collect dog hair and dirt and then I get mad at them rolling around in the back and then angrily flunk them on the Goodwill dock. Not this time Ladies and possible Gent (Hi Tim!).

Positive Picture of the Week:
This picture was taken yesterday. Our friend is building a gazebo on his property. The thing is gigantic. I mention its size because... look at the very top of the gazebo. That is a GIANT owl. Cool eh?

From a Family of Fuckups to Fab Filiality

2011-09-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

How do the folk on the edge of sanity cope with having no family members on which they can rely for sound judgement, adages and stability with a dose of wit? Why, they make them up you sane fools! All through my life I partially made characters in my life or assigned fine attributes to my family of which they were completely bereft.

It started as a child. Fake: My mom was somewhere in the stands during swim meets (but had to leave to pick up my sister from girl scouts) Truth: Mom never in the stands and sister was packed off in punishment to the unknown hell that was her dad's house. Fake: My dad, who was on a business trip and would not return until... well who knows was to my more peripheral friends (and most dates) a strict authoritarian. I had to be in by 10 or I would be on restriction. Nope. Truth: Nobody was actually at home (I lived at my dad's house. The more stable house. OK, the house where I could attend school stably. My mom was off somewhere and would call to check in on me and tell me about her latest life/death remedy. Never an inquiry about me.). I would stay over at my girlfriend's house on the weekends because my dad needed peace and quiet after a long week at work. Actually, I needed to have some feeling of home life so I glommed on to friends' families. To boyfriends' families. Along the way I adopted aspects of their home life and made them my own. Eventually I had concocted - rather insideously really, a new family. Of course some people knew. They were my real friends or boyfriends. Sometimes they would hear me tell a lie and would just go along with it. Sometimes I am sure they told their own good mothers and their mothers took pity on me and bought me bras or tampons or fed me. But more importantly, led me, taught me and advised me. Bless those mothers.

But eventually the habit of ditching real family stories (which were pretty depressing and when people would hear them for real they would be like "holy shit - no more" or alternately "I wish I had your dad when I was a teen" - no.) and simply replacing them with my fake life.

Case in point as an adult:

I have invented, over time, my fake grannie. I laugh thinking of her.

My fake grannie is my real grannie minus everything unfunny about my grannie or uninteresting or uncordial or unmannerly about my grannie. Basically my grannie hollowed out. Hence, fake grannie. Why? Because it amuses me and gives me a way to have a family that is not a bunch of half baked freaks that I would gladly haul off to the relative dump. It gave me a way to have someone stable and - like me! - one whom I could reflect back to for good advice. People who knew me knew I could not do that with my parents, soo.... peripheral family, not seen by regular cast in real life = grannie.

So fake grannie. She is a terrific cook (that is where I get that from), she is strict with her manners (thank you Judith Martin), does her housework in a dress and hose without any air conditioning in the house (my actual great grannie) and she was a good mom to my poor wretch of a mother (all mothers who looked kindly on me). Actually what I need is fake mother so she can be a good mom to this poor wretch of a girl, but - well, that is too much to keep straight and I am too weird to come from normal and loving stock.

How detailed had it gotten? Embarrassingly - Fake grannie does not put sugar in her cornbread and she would tan my hide for hurling fudge onto the neighbor's door. Real grannie would be like real mommy and would take the fudge from me and eat it all herself and shut me in a closet for looking at her with mournful face because she stole it from me. Oh... make me laugh! Meeeemmmmries! See why I created fake grannie? It is called universal karmic balance a la Munchberry.

But who is real grannie? I am not sure. I know she was probably the most miserable human I have ever met. Which may explain my mom. Well, partially - like if you believe you have no control over yourself - which is something to which my mom heartily subscribes. My grannie. She is dead. He tossed herself out of a wheelchair and then starved herself to death. Dreadful. Heart of stone Munchberry harkens back to the previous paragraph for explanation. Yes, harken. Get over it Gilda Grammarian. She tried to kill my grandpa by shutting off his air machine. The noise was bugging her. She let her son beat the crap out of her daughter and thought it was funny when during the many times her daughter was forced to defend herself (she did this by getting in a corner and waving a butcher knife in front of her) she inadvertently cut off his boob. OK real grannie and I both laugh at that. I, over Uncle's boob getting righteously cut off and Grannie that her daughter had to get in the corner and defend herself. Oh hilarity. Her mom seemed to have all the traits of a borderline personality. So does my mom. They haven't any emotion for anything but themselves. Extremes in anger, depression and paranoia. All my childhood I was told by my mom that I was her. It frightened me so.

So here is where I transition to weight. Eventually.

As it turns out, much to my surprise, I am not so much like her. For sure I carry her acerbic nature at times and my mom would never have thrown fudge at the neighbor's house. She would have much preferred to take it out on the ones who loved her and would have spewed venom about that woman for years to come, but it would have been nice as pie to her face. Pie. That is not me.

But - how long does it take the normal person to realize they are not what they are told they are? I imagine they come to it a lot quicker than I did. I sort of grew into it. I was told I was her and that I was dumb. That I was fat and a klutz. That I would parent as she and her mom did because all children become a carbon of their parents. That one day I would grow into my baboonish lips but never would grow into my big butt (thank you change of life for busting that myth). As it turned out none of that was true. I never did grow into my baboonish lips. OK OK. None of it was true in the first place. Just a silly and sad woman racked with her own insecurities. I never did test the notion that I would be the same sort of parent as my mom. I simply worked 90+ hours per week and made no time for that bit of scariness. Soon it did not matter either way.

When I got older we (mom, Mr. Munchberry and I) were walking through a casino. When we got to the restaurant my mom said "Oh my God. How can you stand all the stares?" I said "What stares?" I was distracted by food so I did not see it coming and put up my guard. She said shaking her head "When we were going through the casino people were just looking at you with a mixture of pity and disgust. Oh I am so sorry for you". Ah. What's going on hits me. Apparently she has projected her feelings onto every human within her tractor beam range her feelings about me... who is actually her because we are the same. I say but do not believe, "No mom, nobody cares what I look like..." she interrupted, "No I saw them, especially the three girls sitting at the roulette as we walked in. They were laughing and pointing at you. Cruel, heartless bitches!" She was on the edge of screaming and I on the edge of crying "I am sorry it disturbed you so much mom. But really I am OK. (lie lie lie) Let's get our picture taken together!" There was a guy going around to tables snapping photos. I tried to distract her in order to make her stop. We took the photo together and I kept it by my bedside for years. I loved that picture of my mom and me. It was the same day that she told me that I was lucky because I "got hair like a Jew". That still cracks me up. It is so my mom. But it was a compliment. And a real one, not one where it is really a slap like "Oh you are so brave Munchberry. How you get up in the morning looking the way you do, being so fat... I would never get out of bed. I would kill myself.". So getting a bigoted compliment? I will take it! Nay, I cherished it! The day is etched in my memory for some reason. So many days like that.

So my point? Through fate and happenstance - is that the same? I discovered I was none of the things I was told I was. OK, Maybe a little klutzy. When you are overweight, you get off balance more than you think! I started to figure it out in high school. By that time I was basically on my own. I figured out that I was pretty athletic. By college I started noticing that I was pretty smart. Not a genius, but I actually excelled at some things. I was also pretty resourceful. I had to figure it out for myself (that was ugly). I had to get through school, run a business, find myself. Lots of stuff to do for someone so young; it helps to be ignorant and fearless. At the time I did not think anything of it. I just did.

Message? You are what you say you are until you prove differently and even then you can change it. As Vickie at Baby Steps V sez "Wipe your slate clean". I might amend that and say you build, make repairs, do additions, update the hardware, put on a coat of paint. And some - well they may have to just wipe that slate clean. Sometimes you have to. Sometimes there is mold or the foundation is cracked.
I told you I would be rambling and without any sort of unrambliness. But the bottom line is that if you are adult and are still living by the labels someone else made for you - time to sort that out. Figure out what is true and false, ditch the false once and for all and if it is true, fix it for crying out loud. Then you can move on. You can live your life YOU make. That will probably include losing the weight. You won't need that layer of protection and comfort anymore.

That's it for now. I have to go on adventure with Mr. Munchberry and my Chewy before the weather changes.

My Weight Mantra

2011-09-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

Ya know I was reading someone elses blog and she was talking about the weight she keeps telling herself to motivate herself. I thought. What a freaking great idea! No. I don't do that. I did do that long ago when I was thin and only needing to drop something smaller than the number in a deck of cards or... as I am now... the number of pounds usually associated with being the weight of a whole other person. Sigh. But I think I will start doing it and see how it feels.

My mantra for now when I work out (and I AM working out!) is ~~131~~... er 231. Gosh my fingers STILL revolt when I type that 2. Anyway, 231. Why? That, my thinning pallies, is the half way point to maintenance! And it is less than two hands worth of pounds so I can count it down easier with my shoes on! Then I am on to 223. WHY 223? Again with the hands. But also that is 100 pounds above where I had maintained (sadly) as an adult. It is mind boggling to think about that. How all over the map I have been weight wise. I have been lower, but I won't count that because it was fleeting and really really sad. Actually, more sad than all this flab. It is funny that through the times when I have been gaining all this weight is when I truly began to love and accept myself. I do not think it was the weight that allowed that to happen. It was just life, introspection and the love of people I cared about.

~~Anyhoo.~~ Can you anyhoo that? No.

So do you play the weight mantra game? Does it inspire you? Did you do it and then had to stop because it was driving you into depression or making you batshit crazy?

100 Days of Weight Loss with Linda Spangle - Day 17

2011-09-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

I know. I skipped a few days in the book. Reasons: I either thought they were dumb or did not apply to me and did not feel like going thru the motions because that would irritate me or I have already covered that territory somewhere in the blog. If you need to know the titles of the days I skipped, let me know. I will type them out and give you a synopsis.

But today I want to talk about day 17 entitled "Stop Wasting Food" Or if you are Karen, "Stop Waisting food". I smile typing that.

Yesterday I wrote about my gorging myself and my inability to toss food. Today we discover ways to try to reverse that thinking/activity out of the system. Who was not told as a child that there were starving children in India that would love your peas you casually left on your plate? When you put food in the trash did people gasp or groan and complain about your wastefulness? In my house they did. It was a weird life because there was no snacking in my house and we only got to eat what we were given (meaning you could not decide what went on your plate or how much. You had to eat it all - not because you would not get dessert because that was an unknown at my house (see Hi! I'm Munchberry and I am a Foodaholic!. Hershey bars...), but because you could not leave the table until you did and then you would see it the next night and every night after that until it became scarily inedible. We ate our food on our plate.

And then I struggled mightily when I was young and food was not exactly flowing from my cabinets. Then I owned a restaurant where I witnessed every sort of strange eating habit but the one that got me most tangled in negative emotion was when people ordered food, did not eat it and did not want to take it with them. Food in my house gets eaten. The tricky thing for me is not eating the leftovers before my head hits the pillow. They call my name and there is no magic notebook that can quell that siren. I simply have to toss leftovers that I cannot convince myself do not belong to me OR I have to make JUST enough. I have discussed this in this post: Just Toss It! and probably elsewhere in my blog because this is a major thing with me that I deal with almost every night or any time I make a grain salad.

Linda Spangle asks "Do we keep pumping gas even after the tank is full?" I answer, "we do if we are oblivious to the tank being full. Sometimes we top off!" ARG!

Linda Spangle suggests we try to have a rational conversation with our crazy selves: Any time we eat food we do not need (excess calories) we are wasting it. - - - So then you have a choice - either toss it in the garbage or eat it because either way it is wasted.

Oh brother that sounds so rational. Try telling that to cave girl Munchberry. "Uga uga uga! Me want rest of bisketti Uga!"

Exercises for today:

Toss some food. Tiny or large, just into the garbage it goes. Remember by wasting it in to the trash, you are not wasting it into yourself.

In your journal write down what you tossed, how it felt to toss it and add a few notes on how you are going to handle leftovers in the future (I like this about Linda - tries to get you to at least have a plan for when this comes up again. You may not do it every time, but the seed is planted and habits can be forned from that.).

Write down a few ways you can prevent extra food from being around in the first place. As I said, I try very hard to make just enough. I thought a few weeks back I could make a small grain salad ahead for dinner. I was wrong. Now I have to make it just before dinner (or the meal) and only just enough for dinner - a hard thing to do with that sort of salad - it grows. I recognize what foods are really hard for me to have in the fridge - namely stir fry, grain salad and anything involving pasta or sausages I deem to be mine. I tell myself that food going into the fridge is Mr. Munchberry's. I can get away with that little lie if it is meat. If it is any of the things I mentioned or anything carby I give myself the middle finger and chow down on it defiantly.

I think this is a huge issue for me. More than I had originally estimated. I bet I am not alone.

I'm STUFFED!

2011-09-27T07:57:00.000-07:00

Gosh how many times have I uttered those words. Usually in delight. Even when I was super uncomfortable and could not breath and felt food starting to come up and my heart pounded when I laid down on the bed to sleep, I still loved the feeling.

Until today.

I am still processing the feeling. But I had to hop on the computer and type it out as a way of doing that.

I made 2 burritos. 2 whole wheat torts (80 calories ea.), 4 ounces chicken breast (125 calories), 1 cup of my craving in chief today no fat refried beans (200 calories), 1/4 cup onion, 1/4 cup lettuce, salsa (50ish calories), Cheese (90 calories) for a total of 550 calories. But one hour after I ate (right now) I feel terrible. Meaning my stomach is bulging and I feel overly full and uncomfortable and unhappy sitting upright. Did I mention unhappy. I sort of knew it was too much as I stood at the sink and ate the extra burrito innards over the sink. I did not want to toss it and it was too little to save I said to myself. Really? Such bullshit. I could not bring myself to toss it. Not today. Not my beans. I could have tossed it if I plied myself. Alas, down the hatch it went. And then down the hatch went the 2nd burrito. I was reading a bulimic woman's blog. Sigh. I need to sit at the table to eat my food. At least dinner. I was alone though. I don't dig sitting at the table alone and not a huge TV fan.

Anyway, I think this is a shift in my mind and body. I wish my mind would have allowed me to simply dump the excess beans and not give it a second thought. I so want to be there. That is going to be my studious goal this month. Toss it. I have made some headway on that front since my camping trip with "just toss it" lady. I have been tossing food from the fridge and have been tossing food left on my plate (sometimes on purpose). Not tons, but some. Time to kick that practice to the curb. I think I will make a page of things I will be working on - a tickler file. Here on my blog. For me. That's going on it. I am also going to start reducing my portions. If I am not hungry afterwards, I will eat and adjust.

But did you hear me? I am full. I don't like the feeling. I know lots of you are like me where you really adore that feeling and feel depressed that you feel like you need that feeling - for comfort or to feel sated... I don't know if that feeling just ends or if it is just tonight, but I know - KNOW there is something going on with me. Cautious hopefulness and excitement ensues. Only tempered by the ill feeling I have below my rib cage. Oh.

Fire Up for FALL! Week2

2011-09-26T08:05:00.000-07:00

1. What have you done this week to help you achieve your goals?

Putting the goals up in the house helped!

Goals:

Do at least one thing that will amuse yourself. Something that will bring you joy.

I wrote a song for my husband and surprised him with it. It was my new tactic to combat his autumnal blues he gets every year and I think it worked. I write lots of songs, but they are rarely about or for his happiness. Usually because I want to amuse and impress him. This time it was for love and caring... OK and to amuse and impress.

Get sewing and knitting room and projects in order and lined up and started Be sewing and knitting by the end of the challenge.

I did two things on this account. I bought myself a reward for future progress on this goal and have refused myself any pleasure from it until the goal is DONE and I picked everything up off the floor and vacuumed it. A major thing because I had recently ripped the room apart looking for something for my sister and did not put it all back in place. I just shut the door and pretended I walled off that room.

Reach out to others. Accept when people reach out to you.

I did two deliberate things on this account. One, I convinced my friend Chewy to go on an adventure that involves campfire and long hikes in the woods. We leave soon. OK and the other one was not very nice or altruistic unless you count self altruism... ok the next was totally self serving. Some people we know asked us to go bowling. I do not like to hang with them because they are maddening and drink way too much and get mad when you do not want to have a drink at 2 in the afternoon on a Wednesday. So we accepted the bowling invite (for a weekday at 2). The one caveat was that we would not be drinking (the last time we went with them they got super pissed when I did not want to drink, so I gave in). I think it took them by surprise because when my husband said it they were freaking drunk at noon and well anyway they wrote an email the following day saying that they would have to beg off the bowling because she was suffering a migraine and he was stricken with a backache. So problem solved. My husband was convinced that they would just enjoy their drinks and we could bowl with our cokes. He was surprised when they did as I predicted. So I accepted an invite, but for my own purposes. But the end result is a happy Munchberry. 2 drunk fools can go find someone else to chug drinks with at high noon.
Continue to make a dent in the book pile by the bed. Any of them, just get a move on.
I am working on Lords of Discipline, Peace Like a River and Packing for Mars. I thought I could try three and then toss two aside and knock out one, but (gasp) I love all three and they are so different so I think I can read all three at once and not lose the feeling of any of them. Rare for me.
Find the positive, be the positive
Mixed results. As I said, hubby has autumnal blues and I HAVE made a concerted effort to be positive for him, but it is TIRING being positive! LOL. And that little game In played with the drunks did not help on the positive front. I would say I have been net neutral on the positive front.

2. What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous? I pulled out 4 giant stacks of clothing to give to charity. GIANT I tell you!

3. What is your talent? What are you good at? I am awesome at writing song parodies and dirty limericks. I can also wag my tongue as it is inverted onto itself!

4. What's been the highlight of your week, toot your horn, what are you
proud of !
I am proud of getting rid of clothing that is perfectly serviceable, but that makes me feel like shit when I wear them. I kept them and wore them because I think subconsciously I was saying, you made this choice, live with it. But Eff that. Out that ugly pumpkin blouse and evil acrylic red sweater go. OUT I say!

5. Fun Question: What's your guilty pleasure TV?
I mostly watch TV on DVD so... maybe that show Hoarders Buried Alive? But I have only watched that one day. Frightening. Once in a while I watch shows from the seventies like Threes Company, Barney Miller and Bewitched! I used to pretend Samantha was my mom and Tabitha my sister and Derwood was well, turned into a toad permanently. Sexist pig.

100 Days of Weight Loss - Day 5 "Magic Notebook"

2011-09-23T08:27:00.000-07:00

Get yourself a magic notebook.

What she means is have a notebook or a pad where you can write things down. Just like you may journal your thoughts and feelings each day in a journal, you can do that with your eating.

She suggests that you use this notebook to allow yourself an out on a craving or a thought. Give yourself permission to eat something later (just like you might do/say to a friend (who is now you) pushing food on you) here you can write to yourself "I want cheesecake, but I will eat it later" Or "The popcorn smells so good. I am gonna have that one day". You record it, get it out of your head and it frees your mind to not dwell on it anymore. You can do that later right? Yeah, I am going to do that. Give myself the put off.

Linda Spangle suggests:

Whenever you think of a particular food, write it down.
Plan to eat it another time - and if you want you can plan how much and how you will fit it into your program.
Stretch the times out between the times you eat that food. After a while it will probably grow less important.

Yeah, I will be employing the magic notebook. When I get some entries worth sharing, maybe I will post them here. I would love to see notebooks others might keep.

* edit... I have already employed it. I did not have my little notebook so I had to write it on the back of a grocery list (Oh the irony). The other day I was driving home from shopping. Not hungry. Not stressed. When I was inexplicably stricken. I felt like I had to have a Frugal burger. You know how many times I have had a Frugal burger? Once. I suffered through it so I could then drink the marionberry shake (the object of my desire). But today I sort of lost it. I was like sort of out of my mind. Not raving, but not in control of my thought. Understand? I just got it in my head that I needed to turn in there, eat a burger and be done with it. With the one thread of sense I decided I needed distraction - because staying on the real road was not going to keep me on the magical one. I looked into the car next to me. Then at the sign about RV's and then decided I would go to the hardware store and do some errands. I was on edge. I rerouted myself to the store, did my business (still out of sorts) and then back to my car to write it down. "I think I'd like to have a hamburger one day. It must be pan fried and topped with cheese". I sat there for a moment. It did sooth me. I am not sure whether it was just because I wanted it to, but frankly I don't care. I am gonna put this in my toolbox. Not fond of how that snuck up on me. I am still trying to figure out what is going on. I have not felt like that since I have started losing weight. I worry. I do not think a burger pan fried with cheese is going to solve it. It is something deeper. Best not to think too hard about it right now. Maybe it will be revealed later. Maybe I will discover it when reading and working thru the exercises in this book. I hope so, because that was wrong.

Christmas Dress Challenge

2011-09-22T07:21:00.000-07:00

I got excited about the Christmas Dress Challenge I have been seeing around Blogtopia.. I only have one decent Christmas dress. It is a gorgeous black, wool dress with velvet trim. I thought it was a 16W. I pulled it out - size 14. Regular girls size. I was a little dismayed because I remember the dress as being my cute overweight dress. I bought it years ago. Back on the day I bought the dress I had my heart set on a St. John knit dress. When I went into the shop the saleslady said there was no St. John knit that was going to zip up on me and she did not want me stretching them out. Welcome to my world. That was the beginning of the long line of indignities heaped upon me as a big girl for being merely a big girl. I still remember it. I think I was 32 and, well I was a size 14. I would love to be a 14 now. And I would tell that bitch to go screw herself sideways and to go get me the freaking dress.

Sorry for that little side venture down memory lane. I'd like to erase that memory.

So. The dress at hand. No sales lady to prevent my trying it on, but Mr. Munchberry was on hand to witness the humiliation. I thought "Oh I will try it on". I got it over my shoulders and got a button done on the inside of the dress. I thought - "where is the other button?". Then I let the thought go because I was too busy looking at the 8 or so inches between the button hole and the button on the outside of the dress. Sigh. Mr. Munchberry: "Close". I took it off. I found the missing button. It was in the back. It should have been at the side. I do not want to get a dress I will just shrink right out of. I do not do such frivolities. I guess that is the bright side. The shrinking, not the lack of frivolity.

I cannot wait to see others get into their dresses. Some are so lovely. And truthfully, I do love hearing about their plans. I live vicariously. Pity party at 4. No cake please.

So is anyone doing the Christmas dress challenge? What does your dress look like and how many pounds are you gonna need to ditch to make it fit?

So on a brighter note... if I lived in the city and I were in normal size and frivolity was at hand... gosh I sound like an old fart. Well, this dress is not old fart: I love it and it would look fantastico on thin me! I don't do miniskirts. Hard to find a dress that hits at the knee these days. Again with the old fart. This dress is gorgeous up close and in person.

And if I were still working (Christmas party) and I were thinner... Oh how I lust after this suit:
Yum.

Day 4 with Linda Spangle "Boundaries, NOT Diets"

2011-09-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

Are you an all or nothing sort? "Today I am gonna eat my ass off because tomorrow I start my diet". I used to be that girl. Boy howdy was I. I spent many days on pre-diet eating. Sometimes weeks. Sigh. Or when I would "slip up" I would just say "screw it" I may as well slug down the entire pan of brownies because I already am a failure today.

Why do I mention this? Because How many of us do that? How many of us go on these wackadoodle diets that we cannot sustain over a long time (if we have piles of weight to lose) where if we "go off" them, we think we have blown it. That is the focus of day four in the Hundred Days of Weight Loss" That we should set boundaries for our eating, not go on these diets where we get on them, struggle and fight, love and hate ourselves... you know. That we should set boundaries that are guidelines and not rules. Sort of like a road where you paint on the white lines. You use the lines to guide you and keep you on the road. Not a set of rules so rigid and with no room for error that you hit the edge of the road and go off the cliff! If you have guidelines rather than black and white rules you might be less likely to treat yourself in such a punitive manner or be all or nothing.

On my plan I set boundaries and have some foods I willingly aside. I just do not eat them because it does not fit into my plan. I eat about 1500 calories. I weigh most things to keep me honest (plus I like doing that). I limit fat and white carbs. I eat more protein than I normally would. I still enjoy fatty things like nuts, cheese and avocado, but not too much. I spread the food out over the day and try keep satisfied - whatever that means that day. No more BS beating up on myself. We all slip, but the key is getting back on the road without any fuss and never losing sight of the road. Meaning no binging because you drove off the cliff!

Once you have established your boundaries (white lines marking the edge of your road) - when you are in the zone (you know that time where it is all coming together and the motivation is through the roof) you can narrow the white lines on your road and really zoom ahead. When you get to maintenance, you can widen the lines and have more room to maneuver. But you never leave the road completely.

Everyone needs to have some guidelines in life - you know you have your morals, family structure, work - all the things that make for a decently structured day/life. It takes away uncertainty.

The exercise:

On a piece of paper draw a line down the center. one side of the line is "Narrow Road" and the other "Wider Road". Narrow being your structured eating plan and the other would be what maintenance might look like or when you choose to do a little widening of the white lines for a day. Also do this for your exercise plan.
How can you sometimes have wider boundary items and at the same time not lose sight of the road? How can you make that happen?

This past week I knew I wanted to widen my boundaries. I told myself I would eat on plan with the addition of snacks with my beer which is not normally on plan. At least not the amount of beer I intended to drink. And wine LOL. So what I did was I still wrote down what I ate and kept my calorie count so I knew where I was (kept my eye on the road). I told myself "if nothing else 2000 calories is your outer limit". I got to 1980 calories one day. I was actually OK with stopping the food and drink because I set the limit ahead, but it was wide enough so I could make the choices. It worked for me. When I got home I had not lost weight, but I did not gain either. AOK by me!

What do you do to keep yourself on the road? What will you do?

Yippy Yippy I'm Still Hippy!

2011-09-20T04:03:00.000-07:00

Before I get down to biz... a bit of an upper I want to share. Tomorrow I will Spangle-ize you.

I want to point you to a blog that every freaking time I read it I am amped. Motivation in the shitter? I have someone who just might pull you out and hose you off - but she is a busy lady so don't just go throwing yourself in there to get attention! Meet Joni . Mostly, I love her sass, but also she is an ass kicker and I imagine all sorts of good things about her when I am reading her blog. Yes. I do that. Sue me! She has lost a whole big bunch of weight. In the current post she is weighing 191 (she is 5'9") and she is trying to show us where she is hiding all of her 191 pounds. You won't see it either. Don't be mad at her, she has good genes and she works hard to get the weight off and to get fit. Go look at her pictures from 2010. You will be impressed. She just gets it done. I really admire that. I so want to look like that when I get to that blessed 191 and I will because I too have good genes! Bwahaha! I better get to working out!

Yesterday Mr. Munchberry and I went out for a long walk and then I came home worked on my legs for a while because I was super excited. WHY? Because Mr. Munchberry - who rarely throws a compliment my way so I know he is not BS'ing me, told me that my calves had really dropped the fat. Well hello. And I do not think that he was just trying to get some. If that were the case he would tell me how awesome I look in my new silky panties... and come to think of it he has not told me that so I guess the guy does not want some. OK then.

I digress.

OK! PICS of me HIPS!. WOOT!

I thought it was time to post a picture of me in my same outfit (same pants but smaller size - xl regular size thank you very much - and the same sweater) as I was wearing for the header of this blog and in pictures in the picture area (all taken the same day). For reference - that was on 5/22/11 and I weighed 280 pounds (I had already been dieting over a month and was down from my high of 295 (or more - eek). So now I weigh 241 (so about 40 pounds lighter than the original picture and 54 pounds lighter than the start). I took it in the same area, same basic distance and in my same chair. I am 5'10". OK here ya go:

girth 241

280

side 241

280

front 241/280

And a bonus - Me and Zoe at camp - candid by Mr. Munchberry.

I would have said pictures right up front, but I know that if you are like me, you would have just gone right to the pictures. And I wanted you to read about Joni before you scrolled low enough to see the pics. Crafty Crafty Munchberry!

Autumnal Challenge Week One

2011-09-19T08:46:00.000-07:00

Hot Chick Takes on Change (of season)!

I am going to do way better this challenge. Mostly because I am going to make the items things I like. Meaning I am going to just work my plan on diet and exercise as usual - no challenges! and work on other things in my life that I think sort of plague me, sour my mood and feelings about myself and effect my ability to stay on plan. A few weeks back I did some decluttering in the house after binging on a day of "Hoarders:Buried Alive!" (A weird reality show here in the US). It felt awesome. So my goals will be aiming towards feeling awesome in the non weighty non exercisy arena. WHICH will require craftiness because I am already generally happy, but who cannot be more happy, eh?

So after much ramblification!

Goals:

1) Do at least one thing that will amuse yourself. Something that will bring you joy.
2) Get sewing and knitting room and projects in order and lined up and started Be sewing and knitting by the end of the challenge.
3) Reach out to others. Accept when people reach out to you.
4) Continue to make a dent in the book pile by the bed. Any of them, just get a move on.
5) Find the positive, be the positive

Why have I chosen these goals?

Because I think they will vastly improve my life. Small tweaks. Getting outside my comfort zone! Getting ramped up for the autumnal slow down! Yep! I am excited by the prospects! Plus, doing the opposite ain't workin'!

What have I done this week to feel fabulous?

I bought underwear in a normal size. Yep! I noticed that my Just My Sizes were getting a little baggie in the assie. So I thought I would just see if I could wear normals. I would get there eventually right? So no biggie. Ark! I bought bikini style and these hi cut silky ugly colored ones. But they are silky! Meaning my jeans will not studder over them when I am trying on smaller size and I won't have to tuck my big ol' cottons down into the waist. They fit! I am not too thrilled by the bikini kind hitting right on my bladder so at night my old baggies are going to be put back on. Mr. Munchberry will be thrilled by that!

What's gonna be the biggest challenge in reaching the goals?

THIS TIME I am printing out my challenge goals and putting them in my food journal. I look at that every day so I will read the goals every day so I will be oriented towards them and thinking about how to make them happen that day. I will also write in my journal when I do something to meet it. I found I kept forgetting my goals last challenge. Not this time!

Where do I live? What is amazing about it?

I love where I live. I live in the Pacific Northwest right on the edge of amazing wilderness, but still within reach of most things you might need (minus Trader Joe's and TJ Max - Grrr). As an adult I have lived most of my life on the edge of civilization. I like it that way. But here, the weather is perfection (to me), I can grow the most amazing garden, I can walk on the shore and go skiing the same day if I want and I am merely steps or a short drive to some of the most beautiful scenery and nature I think in the entire world. I adore living here. Plus if you sail - this is the place.

Home Again Home Again

2011-09-16T14:10:00.000-07:00

I want to say jiggity jig, but I have laundry and a stink dog and various ick post camp delights to deal with so... perhaps I will say "Ho hummity hum". We had a really good time out on the beach. Zoe had a freaking awesome time because we forgot her dry food so she got cheesy rice, chicken, steak... Honestly, you should have seen her. Zoe is the dog for anyone who does not normally read my blog. By day two she knew what was up and when we through meat over the fire she would get so excited that she would do these little leaps where her front paws came off the ground. It got to be so obnoxious that we had to put her in a makeshift penalty box so she would not leap into the fire. PLUS she got so swim in the waves and roll in bird carcasses. I bathed her in V8. It does not work on bird stink.

We ate moderately (I had no cheese rice) and drank moderately, got lots of exercise along the beach and hiking through the forest. It was nice to be just the three of us. I contemplated waves and petted 100s of dogs (2 of my top ten things to do), Mr. Munchberry constructed perfect fires and scrutinized folks' trailer backing capabilities. Two of his top ten favorite things to do.

So now I am reading through your comments (thank you). I appreciate your kind sentiments on my mom post. I sort of second guessed the wisdom of doing that as I left for the beach, but such is the way of the Munchberry.

One thing I'd like to mention is that my mom over the years has often ditched me (because I would not fall in line or I slighted her in some way). I always welcomed her back into my life without requiring any change in that sort of behavior. This last go round (she called me out of the blue because she was upset over a note my sister wrote to her) I chose my boundaries and made them very clear in a compassionate way. She decided she could not live with those boundaries and so I had to decide whether or not my boundaries meant anything. They did. Do. If she ever tries to contact me, she will need to have done what I asked. She would need to get serious, ongoing psychological help (with someone I could talk to) and she would have to respect me and my husband. She knows exactly what that entails. And I would have to be satisfied that there is real change. That very likely will not happen. I am resigned to that. But I love her so the door is not nailed shut and drywalled over. She just cannot be around me if she is... her current self? My sister is in a different psychological place with my mom. She has not spoken to her in probably a dozen years but my sister still blames everything that has gone wrong in her life on my mom. She had pretty good reason to because she was treated worse than I was treated, was not liked and was tossed out like the trash. But having reason does not make it healthy. The problem is that when you blame and blame and feel angry the only person you hurt is yourself. You sort of get stuck. I wish for her that she could recognize that what happened to her was bad and wrong and it did have negative consequences still effecting her today, but that she is in charge of her life from this point forward. Whatever lingering things are just facts of her life. You deal with them as an adult and you move on. Without that there is no moving on and no real satisfaction in life. Really. Trust me. You don't make peace, it keeps coming back up and has more meaning in your life than it should.

Julie, I will go have a look at the journal for Spangle. Thank you for pointing that out!

Other book keeping. I will read my mail for the blog tomorrow. Swear. I am not even going there today because right now I have to get the dog in the tub. If I look I will read and answer. Ditto that for your lovely blogs. I may get there tonight, but most likely it will be morning. I am anxious to know what you have been up to!

OK Furbag awaits.

Powdered Peanut Butter Satay! and Salad

2011-09-15T10:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I am posting on it again. Why? Because how many of us talk peanut butter? I adore it, but at like a hundred calories a tablespoon my love for it fades and I grow all pouty at the thought of being denied gloppy stick to the roof of my mouth love. That sounded dirty.

Anyhoo.

Chicken Breast Satay with a salad dressed with Paul Newman's Sesame Ginger (35 calories for 2 tablespoons!). I am gonna hack that dressing recipe. Later.

I think the calories for the meat (it was about 3 ounces of chicken) was about 130 (chicken breast, marinade and drizzle of the marinade that I cooked down) and salad was about 155 calories. It had a bit of feta and some veggies in it. I might be overestimating it.. So dinner for around 300 calories! Woot!

Let's see. it has been a while since I made this but I believe I put powdered peanut butter in some soy and mixed in some garlic, ginger, cumin, Low sugar apricot preserves, lemon juice, a few drops of sesame oil, chopped up cilantro, a squirt of lemongrass from a tube, nam pla sqirt (fish sauce). I put the long pieces of chicken in the marinade for about 4 hours and then shook it off and then threaded it onto the skewers and charred it quickly. I cooked down the sauce on the stove to get the chicken ick out. It turns out quite dark and delicious. Very tender. This is not a perfect satay - by perfect I mean whatever you consider authentic. BUT since I think authentic is pretty overrated and because I really hate that freaking word, I will just say, that this is some good shit Maynard. AND the calories are good. AND that it satisfies that salty savory crunchity thing I get. AND it is healthy!

Adios.

Day 3 With Linda Spangle - Do It Anyway!

2011-09-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Hobbes has left the building.

Oh for crying out LOUD the omens! This woman is writing to me I know it!

You guessed it. Today Linda is writing to us about EXERCISE (grrr) and no matter the complaints and excuses and whining and hurt what nots and whatever else you use an excuse - that if you are committed to weight loss and getting healthy and not just interested in those things, then you have to get fat and blubbery arse off the couchy and get it moving. Committed, as we discovered a day or so ago, means we do things in the interest of that commitment no matter what because we mean it! We resolve to exercise no matter what!

Oh for crying out loud OK! I have almost been broken of my be permanently melded into the fabric, cushioning, springs and framing of the couch and maybe, just maybe will walk the walk (ark) of committed exercise. MAN I am stubborn. OK I was stubborn, because here I am trying to make changes.

One slothy foot in front of the other!

Linda Prescribes Today:

Decide that you will be committed and not just interested in your weight loss (and health).
Check. I am. I swear. You?

Write down how you intend on sticking with the program no matter what and how you plan on doing these things no matter what.

I am, at a bare minimum, committing myself to:

2 weight sessions per week (I have been doing this) - thank you Beerab for the oomph!

30 minutes of walking or elliptical or some other cardio 3 times per week. That can include tennis, but not housework or gardening where I do not break sweat and flex muscles and huff and puff while doing it. Serious huff and puff, not just "I have heaved this can over my shoulder" huff and puff. I have to clarify that with myself because I am a tricky tricky trickster.
And on the no matter what front I am going to literally force myself and if I try to make excuses I will shut them right off and use that is a reason to get to work immediately.
When I do my exercise I will do the Snoopy dance as reward.

Linda also wants us to notice how it feels when we do these things NO MATTER WHAT.
So after I exercise and maybe while dancing I am really going to appreciate that. I will think about how it feels to accomplish exercise even when I do not want to do it, but did! I will take the time to appreciate the fact that I have some will and backbone when it comes to imposing health on myself. I am not an out of control blob!

Out with the Old.

2011-09-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry mom, I know you are sensitive about being ~~old~~ aged.

I had a small realization about why I am so much more at peace with my new way of eating than I have ever been in the past. I realized that since I have taken steps to more healthily manage my life in other areas (not eating) and have felt more in control of myself, my life and my surroundings (not other people) and mostly stopped caring about what anyone thought but those who I truly love... When I began to trust myself (does that make sense to you? it does to me!) happiness and well being have sprung forth. Basically as those things increased, my need for food and all that it means to me has faded more and more into the background. It is sort of like I am refurbishing/spring cleaning my house. Everything unnecessary or tiresome thing I toss or give away allows me to breath easier and feel better and more confident. I clear out a room, shine up the floors and air it out and find that I want to fill it with meaningful things, not just stuff I had collected from the past that I really did not love (or did not love me), but felt like I had to take. It was ugly and burdensome.

One thing that I tossed that I never thought I would: My mom. I know that sounds completely insane. Who tosses their own damn mother? I do. Truth be told, she is a pretty terrible person. She did her dead level best to ruin her two blessed daughter's lives. She damn near succeeded with both. Only I finally gave her up. I had a realization shortly before I embarked on my weight loss adventure that this woman would kill me if I continued to have her in my life (not hyperbole). That I would allow it. How could that be? I spent years trying to put her in a box or divorcing her from my emotions and feelings about myself, but one day I woke up and realized that that is not me. I realized that I cannot fix crazy and I could not allow cruel anymore. So after years of torture and hate and self hate and so wanting to make my mom better or love me or whatever else I variously sought - I said goodbye. For real goodbye. Not meanly. Just matter of factly.

Then I set upon figuring out what was true about me, what was told to me about me that I believed because I trusted, but was untrue. I took a good look in the mirror - the great parts of me , the not too wonderful parts of me laid bare without the dull murmer of my mother's voice skipping maddeningly in the background. I decided that there would be no more fat, lifeless, unhappy me anymore. I gave myself permission to stop eating and to start living. You see me here trying still to sort it out, but less through someone else's prism, but through my own. Finally. I have been plodding years towards this place.

I figured out that I want to be happy and live, not just pass the time waiting for the inevitable. That I was cheating myself and my mate. I figured out that the past is just the past. It may effect me, but when it does I can deal with it rationally and put it into proper perspective. I am not solely the sum of bad experiences. I have had 20 years with someone who is sane. That should count for something. It does. And in that time I have finally found me. Me wants happiness! I can have that by looking forward, wanting life more than anything else and finding my way to make it happen and knowing that I can stumble on that path to happiness, but I ain't vaulting over the cliff. I wish this for my sister. My hopes are dim.

Am I speaking in tongues? I cannot decide whether this will be too in code for some. I mean there are people out there who had great parents. I have known them! It took my husband years to fully understand what my mom was all about. I think it finally sunk in about 8 years ago. Years ago I told him that one of the many things my mom liked to do to get me in line was to (in various ways) try to suffocate me. I'm pretty sure he thought I was making it up - and who wouldn't because it is too terrible to think it true. Alas it was. Then we were visiting my mom and out of the blue in a fit of self pity my mom blurted out in front of my husband about how she was sure I had told him many stories about her and in particular - in my grand fashion had made much ado over nothing over her pretending to suffocate me as a child. How I never understood the lessons she was trying to teach me. She went on and on like this. I sat there in shock. Never had she mentioned it. EVER! Neither had I (to her or anyone else besides my husband). My husband also sat in shock - because it was true! I was filled with a mix of vindication and anger. I do not recall if my husband said anything to her in response to all that. But, shakily, I told her that smothering me, waking me in the middle of the night by putting a pillow over my face or by telling me that she had spared my life that night because she chose not to smother me were the acts of a cruel, selfish and evil person. Quite honestly, it shook me to my core having said that to her. She laughed. Ah life with my mother. Can't say I will miss her.

Quite honestly, it stressed me writing that last paragraph, but... well, I hope it helps. I and other people suffering with their past. Some stuff cannot be fixed, ignored or wrapped in a pretty bow and called a gift or rationalized or laughed at. But it can be put into perspective then set aside so your path is cleared to deal head on with current issues. You set aside things gnawing at you, you allow yourself peace - your burden is lessened.

I forgive my mom. I feel sorry for her. I do not excuse her. I do not continue with her. IN that and KNOWING that I can deal with my problems instead of eating my way through them. I reach earnestly for happiness and peace.

OK I am gonna go live my life. Going camping for a few days. Me and nature - we gots a date. I hope C and B enjoy some peace and quiet in our home, but keep their dog off our furniture. I am not holding my breath. Tomorrow, day three with Linda Spangle. Look forward to reading your comments when I get home.
*And if you want to see a very interesting Maintainers POV on 100 days with Linda Spangle thus far: Vickie's take (go to Sept 12) "Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.The Beatles" I could not link directly to it for some reason.

Day 2: Interested or Committed?

2011-09-12T01:43:00.000-07:00

"An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises." - Mae West

How do you know if you are committed to your diet, losing weight and getting healthy or if you are merely interested in dieting, losing weight and getting healthy?

This was a short but startling chapter.

Characteristics of the merely interested:

Do you stay on plan only until something more interesting comes along?
Only motivated and interested when the weight is coming off?
Have a list of "If Only's" like: If only my husband were more supportive. If only I had more time to exercise?

Characteristics of the committed (gulp):

You stick to your plans no matter what? Come what may?
Rather than depending on results to keep motivation going, do you know that with perseverance, results will eventually come?

Where do you fall usually? How about right now?

I am all over the map. I think lately I have been really good with staying motivated to keep going even when there was NO weight loss. BUT I did not ramp it up when there was no loss, I just slogged through it with a stiff upper lip. I also did some excuse making lately. I wanted to have drinks on the deck because it was beautiful and I felt deprived of fun. I KNEW it was a bad idea. KNEW IT. And did it anyway. Merely interested day. I have had a few of those lately. I credit myself for getting right back on plan and for really watching my calories those days (and the day after when I was freaking starving), but that is not going to get me where I want to be is it? Nope. And the exercise? I will say I am starting to show interest! Baby Steps M!

So do I (you) want to be interested or committed to weight loss, healthy eating and healthy living? I want to be committed.

Today, take some time and write out how you will be sticking to your plan for food and exercise NO MATTER WHAT! I am going to knock off the drinking while I am not on vacation. That means no beer on football nights. I am also going to really start paying very close attention to my reasons I am eating and how much I am eating and when I am full. Real attention, not passing. No more accidentally cooking too many potatoes for Mr. Munchberry. I call myself right now on that bit of horseshit. I will stick to my plan of two days of weights and I will not balk so vehemently when exercise is suggested.

Do at least ONE thing TODAY that demonstrates that you are truly committed. (Like take a walk or eat fruit). Today I will go for a walk AND I will do my windows because I think the film covering them is effecting my outlook. I have had the exact outline of a raptor on my dining window for the entire summer. I look at it every time I pass by it and wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I do not wash it off. That ends today.

Never Forget

2011-09-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Never.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

I'm Just PUFFY!

What I ate. How I worked it off. sorta.

30 Days of Try Something New

Eat What You Crave

Alterations 101

Obese to Overweight

When Weight Loss Hurts The One You Love

What To Expect As You Lose & Other Observations

Gobble Gobble Gobble!

Workout? No. Enjoying Some Oxygen! Plus An ASS Story.

Pant Size Distortion

Pictures, NSV and a Link

About My MIND!!! BWAHAHAHAR!!!!!!

Definition a la Vickie:

cock·a·ma·mie

[kok-uh-mey-mee]

adjective Slang .

Exercise Bargaining

Re Examining Re Jiggering Re Dickulous

Hate Loss Challenge

The Pretty, The UGLY and the Funny

HLC Week 2

Week One (Belated) of The Hate Loss Challenge

I'm Back Bitches!

Computer Problems

New Years Eve Dinner.... HMM

Versatile Blogger Award

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah

Why Eileen Fisher Sucks

Dear Cereal, It's not you, It's me.

Crotch Shot!

Drill Sergeant Munchberry

Reality Check. It AIN'T Pretty

Hate Loss Challenge

Incredible Shrinking and Expanding Woman

Feast or Famine. Such Was the State of Thanksgiving

Hello my Kitties! I am back from Familial Obligation

Post Holiday Myth Debunking Day

Maintenance. Ahaish Moment

Breakfast At Mickie D's Video

Fall... Ahh, Ohh, Uugh

Big Thanksgiving Relief

Bawk. No More Chicken. & WTH Mr. Munchberry?!

Fire Up for Fall Challenge

Sicko Cougho

Fire Up For Fall Challenge Week Somethinoruther.

Noodle Box - Marketing Blunder or Genius?

What Have I Been Up To You Ask?

Bra Goes UNDER the Top.

Fire Up for FALL! Challenge

I Am Going on a ME FAST!

Ebbs and Flows of Weight Loss

Blog On FIRE Award!

Fire Up for Fall Challenge

Talking Myself Out of Eating.

Shrinky Pictures

I am BACK!

Until Wednesday

Perspective

Exercise Update

100 Days of Weight Loss with Linda Spangle - Day 19

100 Days of Weight Loss with Linda Spangle - Day 18

Fired Up for Fall Wk3 AND 30 Days of Kindness

From a Family of Fuckups to Fab Filiality

My Weight Mantra

100 Days of Weight Loss with Linda Spangle - Day 17

I'm STUFFED!

Fire Up for FALL! Week2

100 Days of Weight Loss - Day 5 "Magic Notebook"

Christmas Dress Challenge

Day 4 with Linda Spangle "Boundaries, NOT Diets"

Yippy Yippy I'm Still Hippy!

Autumnal Challenge Week One

Home Again Home Again

Powdered Peanut Butter Satay! and Salad

Day 3 With Linda Spangle - Do It Anyway!

Out with the Old.

Day 2: Interested or Committed?

Never Forget